Persistence

Breaking point.

Scarred- a lasting aftereffect of trouble, especially a lasting psychological injury resulting from suffering or trauma.

I wish.
I wish I could be the me I was before you came along and changed me into this me.
I wish I could go back to being the smiley me and not the sad and see me frown me.
I wish I would've never came across your path because you made me the me that wouldn't want to be me anymore.
I wish we could change things in our life because I would change me.
Me.
I can't be me if you aren't with me.
You.
You seem to forgot that you're human too.
Us.
Us is something just like trust.
If you and me come together, us could be trust and we must become one.

I grew angry with myself and threw my phone across the room, making it hit the wall. That shit fucking sucked and I know I can do better!

"Hey listen, stop fucking throwing it or I'm going to throw you." He rolled over onto his back and pointed at me. "Shut the fuck up talking to me!!" I yelled at him and folded my arms across my chest. He just shook his head and rolled back over.

I've been acting like a fucking two year old and I don't know how to stop myself. My temper is short and my brain can't hold a lot right now. I'm frustrated as fuck and I don't know what to do about it besides throw shit around. I've been trying to get back into the groove of things such as walking normally and living my life without fear. I'm jumpy at the slightest things and I don't want anyone to touch me.

He doesn't deserve for me to act this way towards him because he didn't do shit but help me out of the situation but I don't know who else or how else to take my anger out on.

I stayed quiet in my thoughts before I tapped his shoulder for him to turn over. "What, you want me to turn over so you can yell at me?" He turned his head to look at me. I rolled my eyes. "No. I want to tell you something." "Mhm." He slowly turned onto his back and pulled the covers up to his neck, yawning. "I think I should see a psychologist...I'm going to either or somebody or myself if I don't get my shit under control." I shook my head, looking away from him. "You don't need no damn crazy doctor. You can talk to me a-" "I don't wanna talk to you! I want to talk to someone else besides you all the fucking time! I sleep, eat, and breathe you and it makes me frustrated!" I immediately put my hand over my mouth before something else came out. He just looked at me for a couple seconds before closing his eyes and shrugging. "That's cool. I thought that's how couples were. You know, be able to counsel each other when their down but no, no I guess not. They don't get sick of each other neither. They enjoy they time together. But I guess we ain't a couple cause we ain't doing none of that." He slightly laughed. "I might as well be single." I moved my hand and looked down at the sheets. I didn't mean what I said, I just...I'm with him 24/7 and I don't ever see anyone else. Yes, it's my fault I don't have friends and all that but it would be nice to talk to someone else other than your boyfriend. It's makes me feel lonely because he isn't always around. But what he not gon do is keep throwing the 'single' word around like he won't get punched in his face.

"I didn't even mean it like that but since you wanna throw that fucking single word around, do you! Cause baby when I start doing me, you won't have a appetite, I'll grantee you that one." I chuckled and got up from the bed, slowly making my way around it and towards the connected bathroom. "I knew you was a hoe all along." He 'mumbled'. I stopped in my tracks and turned around. "Excuse me?" I raised my eyebrow. "I said you should do something this fall." He looked at me with a smirk. I quickly looked to the dresser and grabbed my wig brush, launching it towards his face. "No bitch you said you knew I was a hoe all along. Chris I will piece you in ya shit right now, keep trying me." I walked into the bathroom and slammed the door shut.

I fell down to the ground and randomly busted out crying. I wish he could just be more understanding sometimes! I'm also tired of always acting like a bitch! I didn't use to be this way and it pisses me off that I can't get back to the old Senia!
'You can if you wanted to, you just don't try hard enough' the voice in the back of my head said. I put my hands over my ears and screamed quietly to myself. It's harder than you think! I'm just fucking mad at the world for things that were not in the world's control.

I wish he didn't touch me. I don't wish I never messed around with those stupid ass men. I wish I could get a round two at this life shit because it's kicking my ass.

'You can't keep pondering on things you can't change. You could either move on front them and be a better person or you can keep the same attitude and be miserable for the rest of your life.' The voice said. I looked off to the side and nodded slightly, listening. 'You're going to run off everyone around you if you keep that 'oh it's me' mentality. I taught you better than that so start acting like it.' I raised my eyebrows in shock and my mouth hung open. The voice in the back of my head is my mother...she's saying everything that she would say to me if she was alive...'now go apologize.' "No." I mumbled to myself then realized, that's exactly what my problem is. I have to stop and stop that shit now.

I stood from the floor and wiped my face with my shirt, sniffing and making my way back into the bedroom. He was in the same position. "Chris.." I spoke in a low tone and walked to the bed, sitting down next to him. "What Senia. If you came back in here to argue, you can't surely pack your shit and get to steppin." That instantly changed my mood back to being a bitch. "I came in here to apologize to your stupid ass but you keep ruining every fucking thing! I ain't steppin out of shit, and ain't nobody gon make me. Fuck ass nigga." I mushed him in his face before he grabbed my wrist and twisted it hard, hurting me badly. I yelped in pain and tried snatching it away but he didn't let go. He sat up and got close to my face. "I said, get your shit and leave. Or else I'll do it for you." He threw my hand back at me and got up from the bed. "I'm sick of you and your shit man. It's best we go our separate ways. You ain't worth my time no more and I mean that. You and your shit better be gone in thirty minutes. Worthless ass." He walked out of the room and slammed the door behind him.

I sat on the edge of the bed for a couple seconds before the tears welled in my eyes and I started to gather all my things.

I fucked up the only good thing I had going for myself. I think he's serious as well and that just sends my heart straight into my stomach....

Twenty minutes and a thousand tears later I had most of my things together. He hasn't came in the room at all and that means he's serious...I'm such a screw up. I wheeled both of my suitcases out of the bedroom and slowly made my way to the living room. I could hear him in the kitchen, eating something and mumbling to himself. Let me make sure one more time.

"Chris..." I stood in the entry way, looking at him. He kept his eyes on his phone and his other hand stuffed inside of a chip bag, ignoring me. "Christopher.." I spoke again. Nothing. "You really mean it?" I asked. "Yeah. Bye." He glanced in my direction then looked away. My bottom lip started to quiver and I nodded alittle. "I love you...." I said in a hopeful/broken tone. He shrugged and continued to eat.

I guess some good things to come to a end and people really do reach their limit. I pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed him away like he was the one that hurt me in those ways and really, he just wanted to be there for me. I isolated myself in my thoughts and didn't take the time to see that he need attention as well as me to be there for him.

I just lost the love of my life all because I'm fucking dumb as fuck.

I-I fucked up bad and I don't think I can fix it.