Persistence

Flourishing.

Motivated- stimulate interest in or enthusiasm for doing something.

Seven Months Later

You'll never know how much you appreciate something until it's gone. I never would've thought I wouldn't be able to use the two legs I been using all my life again and it sucks. Well, let me not say 'again' because I've been working so so hard in physical therapy and I am making some progress, but I still can't walk yet. Speech therapy went smooth and sometimes I still struggle with stuttering but it's not as bad as it was in the beginning.

My trusty wheelchair gets me where I need to go without any issue. We are currently pressing on my leg strength and stability hard so that I can learn to start driving again because if you know me, you KNOW I hate asking people for stuff. That has to be one of the hardest challenges for me in this situation cause I have hurt myself a couple times trying to do stuff on my own all cause I didn't want to ask for help.

I had to get help taking showers, eating, getting dressed, all that. I hired my own caregiver for awhile for the simple fact I didn't want to make Chris feel like he had to do anything for me. That man has a life of his own and I wasn't going to slow him down because of my problems. We had to fight for it to happen but It did. Now I can do all that stuff myself and that makes me alittle bit happier.

He's been a major factor in my drive towards getting back to the old me just by being there. He has literally been to every appointment I have and I couldn't thank him more. It's sad that he is literally the only person I have but I don't have anyone to blame for that besides myself. All my life I pushed people away or never even let them in to begin with. My mother was the only person that knew everything about me, inside and out. Could never keep a friend because I'm simply not a consistent person and I don't like people. Now look at me. But 'everything happens for a reason' I tell myself everyday.

I've been at Maruice's house since I been home because he has a basic one level home. My house has stairs and I clearly can't get up them. I offered to help pay half of the bills but he won't let me. I offer to buy groceries, nope. It frustrates me that I can't just get up and go do shit myself! Oh my goodness I can't fantom it enough that I just want to be me again. I always, like always fall into these depressive episodes for days where I don't really speak, I just stare at a wall and get lost in my thoughts. I always say I'm going to roll myself off a cliff in this wheelchair.

I'm currently in the bedroom with the door closed because he has company over and I don't want to be around other people. I feel like I look stupid in this chair and everyone would be staring at me if I was out there. Just as I was thinking about something, he came into the room and closed the door behind him. I looked up at him then back down and started playing with my nails. I always blurt out something that's bothering me now too.

"Chris...Do you still love me?" I rubbed my thumb against my palm, looking at the floor. He sucked his teeth and walked into the connected bathroom, pushing the door up. "No." He said bluntly. My eyes immediately watered and I started to silently cry. Why would he tell me even if it's true? "Okay.." I started sobbing and rolled myself to the dresser, opening it. I heard the toilet flushing and then his footsteps come out of the bathroom. I grabbed a couple of my shirts and folded them up on my lap. "Are you crying? Baby I was just playing." My chair turned around and he was eye level with me. I took my hand and wiped the tears away while sniffing. "Don't play like that! I really feel like you don't love me anymore and you're just saying you do!" I busted out crying again.

One of the medicines I take also makes me very very very emotional and I'm always crying like a damn baby. I told my doctor but she said I gotta take it. "I promise you, I wouldn't be here with you if I didn't. Why wouldn't I love you Senia? Please tell me." He stood and walked backwards while pulling my chair with him so he could sit on the bed with me between his legs. I looked away from him and shrugged, looking down. "I don't feel pretty, I got all these ugly scars and marks now, I feel like I depend on you too much, I'm always being emotional, we can't have sex so I can't please you..I'm worthless." I shook my head. He snatched my head up so that I was looking at him. His eyes were low and puffy and he smelled like weed. "Listen. Quit saying bullshit like that about yourself or else I'm really going to start smacking you. You ain't worthless weather it's to me or in general. You are beautiful inside and out. I could give a fuck about those scars, I'm just happy they healed. I'm really going to need you to stop pushing negativity into yourself because you will never reach your goals you set for yourself if you can't have a positive outlook on the situation. I love you and I'm going to keep saying it. I love you, I love you, I love you, I fucking love you." He leaned in and kissed my lips with every 'I love you'. I smiled and looked him in his eyes just to make sure he meant it. "I'm about to make them leave so we can lay up and talk all night. I miss you." He let go of my chin and kissed the corners of my mouth before standing up. "Okay.." I watched him as he left out of the room and closed the door.