Remembering Chloe

Chapter 23

Chapter 23

May 30

5:42p.m.

Dear diary,

I guess I should start by saying that Chase and I are officially broken up. To be completely honest with you, I’m happy about it. When we kissed, it felt natural but there were just too many lies between us. I’m sure that if I’d never even been in the accident, things would have turned out the same. Maybe I wouldn’t be Ryan’s girlfriend (I still can’t believe that we’re girlfriend and boyfriend!) but Chase and I would be over anyway. I’m not even mad at Ryan for punching Chase in the face when he chased after us after school. The way my ex acted was unforgivable. He called me a slut and then accused Ryan of murder, and if that wasn’t enough, he actually had the nerve to bring up Abby.

I can’t say that I’m not jealous of her though. I’ve never even met the girl and I’m jealous of her, can you believe it? It’s silly really but I can’t help myself. The way Ryan got so angry and passionate when Chase mocked her was really sweet and I sometimes wonder if maybe he still has feelings for her. I know- that’s really stupid. It would have been really cute if he were fighting for my honour instead of hers though. I know we’re dating and Ryan has never given me reason to think that he’s been cheating on me so I don’t doubt his commitment. It’s like…

My hand fell away from the paper of my journal as I thought. The words were there, poised on my tongue and ready to be imprinted, but I couldn’t seem to reach them. I knew what I wanted to say but the part of my brain that held that knowledge was locked away from me like my memories.

I scribbled over the last two words written and pressed my pen to the page once again.

I just worry sometimes that because she was his first love that maybe I won’t have as a big a place in his heart as she does. It’s really frightening, diary, because I think – I can’t believe I’m about to admit this to you – I think I love Ryan. I’ve been thinking about it for a while and I’m sure that that’s what I’m feeling. I never felt it so strongly before, not towards Chase or towards my parents. The only thing the way I feel compares to is the way I feel with Matt in my dreams. I guess that’s how I know that it’s love.

Just telling you that little secret makes it seem so much more official! I love Ryan, I love Ryan, I love Ryan! I feel all tingly inside just thinking of his voice, his hands, his back, his eyes… I don’t know what else I could call what I’m feeling so it must be love.

My mouth quirked down suddenly as I scribbled the last line.

I just hope that he will feel the same way about me.

And then I signed my name and the date at the bottom, skimming quickly over my work. My writing was becoming much flatter than the first time I opened my journal. Before it was bubbly and it often looked like a tween’s, with hearts over the “I”s and swirly “Y”s. Now, it was smaller, tighter, more organized and I couldn’t help give a smile at the thought that maybe I was becoming a little bit more mature.

I closed the book and threw it on my bed, standing up. The grumbles in my stomach mixed with the wafting odours of delicious foods promised that dinner would be soon so I patted down my hair and clothing and began my trek downstairs.

I passed the kitchen first and was hit by an intoxicating aroma so strong that I almost paused in my tracks. Of course, it didn’t last long as my brain reminded that I wouldn’t get served unless I was seated with my parents.

It only took a moment of leisurely stroll to arrive at my seat which overlooked my porcelain plate and forced me across from my mother. At the head of the table sat my father, as imposing as ever, his shoulders set back in a confident stance and his eyes bubbling with knowledge. Even with all the time I’d spent with my parents, I’d never been able to understand why I felt so anxious to please my father. With my mother, it seemed we had a lovely relationship where we didn’t ask too much of each other but a pleasant presence and trust however it was as if my father always demanded nothing short of excellent just by jutting out his head when I said I’d gotten a B- instead of an A+.