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- told by joshy
his lips were lingering dangerously close to mine. his hands resting inside of mine, resting on my lap. he knew what i wanted but i had no idea what he wanted. i could lean in and kiss him or i could move away. if i kissed him, i'd end up in nina's room, crying and shattered.
"it's goin' to ruin me." i whispered. "like it always does, please don't do it."
"it hurts me too." we shared the same breath by now. "it kills me too, joshy."
"jus' do it." i said, my eyes flickering to his. "but i get to touch you, like you do to me."
his lips met mine, i felt cold almost instantly. it didn't come from me though, it never came from me anymore. i couldn't feel on my own, george was all i felt. he was killing me and i was killing him. we were toxic, yet i was in love with him. from the moment he hugged me and mumbled a small "i love you", i knew i'd fallen for him.
his finger tips brushed softly against my skin as he climbed all over me. he was taking control, he always did, but this time i could touch him. i could hold him.
"don't stop." george whispered, his lips still closed to mine.
"i can't control myself." my eyes closed tightly. i could feel my heart beating rapidly and he knew how much i loved him then. he knew it and he smiled.
"i don't wan' you to, not tonight." he said. his lips found my jaw then my adam's apple. "tonight am yours an' only yours— truly yours."
"you'll go back to her." i said. he began to suck softly on my neck. "you always do." i gasped.
"she's my george. i can't let her go, i can't replace her." he was crying but he didn't stop.
"i can't replace you."
"i know..."
"i love you." he kissed me again. this time more passionate.
"i know an' i am so sorry." george whispered.
"i wish i was as confident as you." my voice shook.
"no, you're better than me because you're everythin' i'm not." he said. his eyes opened, crimson colored. "i wish i could love you. i wish i could give you everythin' but i can't. you've waited so long, joshy. you deserve to be happy. i don't deserve you."
i brought him closer to me, he straddled me. i had to look up a bit at him, my arms wrapped tightly around his lower back. each time was a new feeling.
"i love you, george."
"please don't-" he let out a quiet sob. "don't ever stop."
and i wouldn't, but i knew he'd never say it back. he was in love with her, as i was in love with him. she destroyed him how he destroyed me. as long as george was okay, i would be too.
"i won't..." i kissed his chest. "i am permanently yours."
-
sorry for any mistakes.
i hate x but this song literally just sends me into some kind of headspace.
