Servamp: Betrayal and Forgiveness

Chapter 20

Mahiru can definitely confirm that this was a shitty, shitty day.

First, when he woke up, he already dreaded the day and was feeling a bit more tired than usual, his limbs feeling like dead weight, his body just asking him to go back to sleep because it was just one of those bad days of when he just wanted to let the day pass by as if he was just a background character.

One of those days where he just wanted to skip everything and not do anything.

He of course, knew that today was the day of where he would have to 'guard' his past comrades and that he shouldn't just idle around doing nothing, so he pushed himself to do something simple and productive.

Even if his body told him to stop and let his mind fall into the dark hole and abyss that he has submerged himself into many times after his mom died, and to let his mind fall eternally.

The 'abyss' was a big pitfall of where most of his troubles and sadness go, and the 'hole' was a big gaping and empty hole that was carved out of him after his mother died.

He felt empty.

He was only 6 then, so naïve, so bright; but when his mother died, he was lost and didn't know where to go at all, even if his kind uncle took him in.

He had tried climbing out of the hole many times and actually succeeded in making some progress done over time, and over years he finally managed to hoist himself over the edge and not get consumed by the abyss, and it took even longer to take a few steps away from it with the help of others.

However, he was thrown back by a forceful and painful push into that abyss when Sleepy Ash betrayed him, telling him that he was useless (even if he already knew that well since a long time ago) and a waste of space.

And it stung, it hurt so badly, his soul was broken and for awhile he let his mind fall eternally into that abyss and gave up on getting himself out because what was the point anyways?

He knew that he was a useless person since a long time ago (and that was why he took on other people's' workload to try to prove to be of some sort of helpfulness and to be accepted) and he knew that he wasn't worth Sleepy Ash's time, so he gave up and ran away from that hellhole.

Maybe it was him, really, because he remembered on how pushy and irritating he was back then, how annoyingly pure he was, how fucking useless and a brat he was that claimed that everything could be solved diplomatically and that there should be peace instead of war.

But during the time when he was still enduring the consequences of the contract, couldn't he have at least noticed some of his pain?

Would it have killed him to even take note of what was happening, that he was suffering in agony quietly just because he wanted him to be happy for once?

Would it have killed Sleepy Ash to even notice and help?

Even now he was still falling down that hole, but he was falling slower and would sometimes manage to grab onto one of the ledges before losing it and falling again; but hey, that was progress.

Tsurugi and the others, including Sakuya, knew that when he had a bad day, they shouldn't bother him that much and should just let him be alone in his room.

They were so used to it at this point that they knew the exact things that would indicate that he was having a bad day:

Droopy and blank eyes, a forced smile that looked more like a grimace, loss of appetite, a cloud of gloominess that seemed to follow him around, inability to feel pain because everything was dulled, short answers because he didn't want to waste the energy to speak, looking like a dead corpse walking and being quiet most of the time.