Marvellous days

Chapter 64 -Reconciliation: The Truth's Out-

I started to cry again and sank on the floor. The tension slowly faded and I felt all emotions I had suppressed before. “I can’t do this anymore,” I sobbed and covered my face with my hands…

“I can’t… I can’t,” I cried and my whole body was shaking because of the trembling. I felt the baby kicking and lay my hands on my stomach. Yet another kick the father of this baby didn’t feel… I lay my head on the rim of the bathtub and closed my eyes.

More tears soaked my face, but I tried to stop crying, but it didn’t work. “I don’t want to cry!” I screamed angrily at myself and then sank together again. I lay down on the floor and just wanted to vanish… What if Carlisle could never forgive me? What if he could never love me again and all trust was gone? That couldn’t be, right? I can still fix this… somehow…

I stroked my stomach. “I have to tell him,” I told my baby. It has to be the right decision. What if I will really die in 5 days and I was never able to tell him that I was pregnant? I could never be in his arms again, never hear him saying I love you, never kiss him, never have my best friend back… Maybe I really had only 5 more days and I, maybe selfishly, wanted to spend that time with my husband and my family. This is destroying not only me and Carlisle, but also Carlie and each one of this family. I didn’t know if it was the right decision, but I should tell him and beg for forgiveness. Maybe… just maybe he would forgive me…

Suddenly there was a light knock on the door. I wanted to be alone but at the same time have the comfort. I just hated how weak and vulnerable I was…

Another knock. I still lay there… I couldn’t even find the strength to open the door. But a cracking sound indicated that the person had already opened the door… I didn’t look who it was. It was probably Bella, Rose or Alice. But the person didn’t speak and I could hear the unsteady breath.

I looked up and saw Carlisle standing there unsure in the door frame. I sat up and just looked at him as he was looking at me. He had glassy eyes as if he would cry any moment. His face showed sadness and again I started to cry. I was so relieved that he was here, so much…. He sighed and slowly took the last steps to my side. He sank to the floor next to me and reached for my hand that was still on my stomach. My hand was shaking. As our hands touched I felt the familiar spark… I instantly felt better just by his proximity.

He looked deeply in thought and then focused back on me. “Esme… I have lost you too often already but every time we were able to overcome all struggles… I see that you are in pain and that there is such a tremendous problem that it is about to crush you on your own. I pledged to be at your side and I am so sorry that I broke my promise. I was absent, narrow-minded and uncomprehending at the time you needed me the most. I cannot hope for your forgiveness, but I do love you. I love you even if I behaved like an idiot. If you let me, I will help you. Please let me…” he whispered and his eyes showed how sorry he was but also how much he loved me. He moved my hand up and kissed it softly.

I sighed heavily and then looked right at him. “I love you unconditionally. I never stopped to love you since I knew you… and of course I forgive you. Actually there is nothing to forgive. I am the one hiding something from you, I am the one keeping information from you that you have every right to know. I should be the one begging for forgiveness…” I whispered and another tear rolled down my cheek.

He touched my cheek and wiped the tears away. “I should have known better. I should have known that you are not hiding something to hurt me. I don’t have an excuse for my behavior, but of course you are having my forgiveness and so much more…” he whispered and kissed my forehead. I sighed deeply and leaned against him.

I had to tell him and that now. I wanted those five blissful days and then we will fight side by side to preserve our life. I wanted him to feel the baby’s kicking. I wanted him to be part of yet another miracle. “I want to tell you. I wanted to do so since I knew, but I thought it would be better to keep it a secret not just from you but also from everyone else. Bella knows...She found me unconscious at the exact same spot here two weeks ago…” I looked up at him and he was shocked and worried and for a split second I could see anger at himself on his expression.

“And we both feared that my realization could be fatal information for the Volturi. I hated to lie to you every time you tried to find out what was wrong with me and I hated to deny any touch… But what I thought was hideous of me was to deny you the truth. I know it might endanger me…us. But I know it is the right thing and you should know… I might die… I want you here and I want to enjoy the last days…” I told him with tears. He looked pained when I mentioned the last thing. “You still love me?” he asked carefully. “Of course, I love you like nothing else,” I told him and his eyes glowed.

But then he remembered that I had to tell him something… “I…” I breathed deeply in and out. I will tell him… But how? I instinctively moved his hand that was still entwined with mine on my stomach. He didn’t think of it that much as I intended to say with this. I looked him into the eyes with a look I cannot describe, but it made him think about it again and his eyes were even brighter than before. “Are you…?”

“I am,” I started to cry again. All the tension fell off of me. The tears were flowing endlessly and I lay my head on his lap to let myself be comforted by his touch. I was so exhausted… He soothed me and whispered such loving words.

After a while there was nothing left in me and I just lay there exhausted. I looked up at Carlisle. He was still shocked but the gentle brightness of his eyes showed me that he was mesmerized but happy. He looked into my eyes with a sweet smile and lay his hand on my stomach.

“Are you fine? I mean… you and the baby…?” Again I felt so bad for keeping it from him.

“Yes, I think the little one is developing faster than Carlie. I should be around three months along,” after some hesitation I added: “He or she has already started to kick.” He was astonished, but as if they were magical words stroked my baby bulge and whispered something that I could barely hear. But he definitely whispered: “I love you.” All of a sudden, the baby started to kick and I moved Carlisle’s hand to the exact spot. He felt the kicking and his face lit up even more. He kissed the spot and then leaned up to kiss my forehead.

We just lay and sat there on the floor for a few hours. Time didn’t mean anything to us in this moment. Carlisle kissed my stomach, my hair, cheek and hand but never on the lips. I thought he wasn’t sure if he should or if he was still angry with me, what I could understand perfectly. “I’m so sorry,” I whispered after a long pause.

“Esme, you tried to protect our little one. I have never had so much responsibility as you have while carrying our baby, but I would have done the same to protect you all. On the other hand, to be honest, I am very glad that you have told me now and I am able to be there for you. We will get through this,” he told me fervently.

He held my hand again and looked me deeply in the eyes. I leaned forward instinctively and he closed the distance and kissed me. The sparks I felt when he touched me before were nothing compared to how I felt right now kissing him. He broke the kiss to let me breathe and I lay my head on his shoulder. He sighed and held me close to him…

So, what do you think? :)

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