Marvellous days

Chapter 59 -Shattered-

The challenge of keeping my soul mate away from my thoughts and feelings was the hardest challenge so far in my life.

At first he thought that it was the stress that made me keep my distance or anxiety. He begged me so often to tell me what was wrong with me. And he tried to find that out for two weeks. Two weeks long he tried that… We distanced from each other and the only time we really spoke with the other was with Carlie. I had to reject him every time, every time… It hurt so much that I thought my heart would shatter into a million pieces.

And the worst thing was to see Carlisle experiencing the same. He was breaking with me and because of me. We were not two individuals, we were one unit. And when the one was hurting, the other followed suit.

I cannot describe how I was feeling. I thought I went through a row of emotions. But the entire time I felt like half of me was ripped violently away from me. I could burst out in tears every time I see Carlisle look at me or just seeing him.

I was a wreck and I wasn’t sure that I would ever get back to normal even if I would survive. I was broken. All that kept me alive were Carlie and our child growing inside of me.

Of course I had Bella, but she had enough to do with Nessie and she couldn’t be there for me all the time because Edward was already suspicious and worried because of me. Bella and Edward would leave today to bring Nessie to Charlie. It might be the last time I see her…

The Denalis were coming tomorrow. The countdown of 7 days started…. The plan was settled. The strategy was discussed and approved of and now everyone spent as much time as they could with their mates. I wished I could…

“Esme?” Bella asked tentatively as she walked inside. “Hi,” I greeted her and wiped away the tears that flowed silently. “We will be back as soon as possible,” she said and then leaned forwards and whispered, “only seven days now, Esme, you can do this.”

She kissed my cheek and hugged me close.

“How is the little one?” she asked. “The baby is kicking more and more. I think he or she is developing even faster than Carlie. I felt it clearly yesterday,” I told her. She hugged me again, just stronger. “I so often wished I had your strength. I would never be able to…” she whispered and looked down. I looked at her and didn’t know an answer. “You can be grateful that you never had to,” I told her after a few minutes. “I know,” she half smiled and left the room.

I felt the kicking again and stroked my slowly growing stomach. “You are fine,” I whispered.

“We are going now,” I heard Edward’s voice. I spun around and he was leaning against the door and smiled at me. “Okay,” I sighed and walked into his arms. “Esme, always know that you can talk to me. I love you so much and I know that you are far from being okay. Something is terribly wrong, but I don’t know what. And I somehow know that I shouldn’t, but you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. Nonetheless you can talk to me. I will try to help you. Let me help you,” he begged.

“You can’t. And right now you have to take care of your own family. You have no idea how much that means to me what you just said, but…,” I whispered.

“You can’t,” he concluded. I nodded and started to cry. He held me close and stroked my back.

“Carlisle is heartbroken, but I think you already know. I don’t want to give you the fault. But he needs you. He is only half a man without you.”

“And I am only half myself. I miss him soo much. I miss him with every breath and I so yearn his touch, his soothing words, his smile and the way he always makes me forget the world when he kisses me. I miss him,” I told him. He sighed and lay his head on mine.