Scared | Awsten

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Sometimes, you don't feel good enough...

You think of those people who got bored of you. You asked them if they would ever leave. They said they wouldn't even dream of it. They lied.

You think back to when you gave your everything to someone, and they didn't even care. You dedicated your life to them, but they couldn't care less. It was a horrible feeling. And you were blind to their apathy. They never said they were happy to see you. They never texted you first. You put in all the effort and got only pain in return.

Eventually, after countless months of pain and suffering, you finally realized you were worth more than that.

But that only lasted until the next person came along. You were obsessed with them. Just like the last, they didn't reciprocate your feelings. They made you feel like you weren't good enough. They made you feel like you were completely worthless. Their lies were masked with sweetness, but the core of the chocolate was bitter. Until you finally dug through the thick coating and reached the truth, you suffered. You couldn't function. You couldn't sleep, you couldn't eat, and you couldn't live. You were stuck in a rut with no way out. You couldn't heal while you were with them, but they refused to let you go. They didn't want to see you happy, and any moment you were, they shot you down. You felt worthless. You felt like you weren't good enough.

Each time mounted up. It got worse and worse and worse.

And lying alone in your room, the only thing you can think of is how you simply aren't good enough. Especially not good enough for him. He's the best thing to ever happen to you. He pulled you out of the rut you were stuck in. He gave you back your life and made it brighter. He makes everything better just by being near you. But you're scared.

Some things seem too good to be true, and he's one of those things. Good things never last. You know this can't last. And you're terrified of the day he'll inevitably leave.

He tells you he won't. You feel like this time, it could be different. But you've been hurt one too many times. You're scared. You're terrified. He's too good. And you're broken. You don't want to hurt him. And you're scared that you will.

When he looks into your eyes and tells you he loves you, you believe him. And that scares you even more. Because nothing hurts more than love. Even when you don't want it to hurt, it always seems to.

And when you look into his eyes and tell him you love him, you mean it, too. That's why you're so terrified. He deserves only the best. And you can't understand why he would want you. He could have anyone in the world, but he chose you.

You hear your phone make a sound, and you roll over to see that it's a text from him.

You let out a soft sigh of relief and text him back.

Hey

He responds immediately:

Wanna FaceTime?

You chew your lip. You know he would make you feel better.

Okay

He calls you, and you pick up immediately.

"Hey," he says, a smile on his face.

"Hey," you reply, your heart lifting. Just seeing his face and hearing his beautiful voice makes you feel a hundred times better.

"How are you?"

"Okay," you tell him. "You?"

"I'm good. I can tell that you're not okay. What's up?" He props his phone against something and rests his chin on his hands.

"Just...feelings," you respond, and he raises an eyebrow.

"Such as?"

"I just feel kinda like...I'm not good enough. In general."

He frowns. "You're more than good enough. I wish you could see yourself how I see you, because I can't imagine a more amazing person."

You feel your cheeks flush. "Thanks," you say, feeling embarrassed.

"I'm not just saying that. I actually mean it." He lets out a breath. "Do you want me to come over?"

You don't want to be a burden. You always feel like you're making him take care of you, and you hate it. You don't want to weigh him down.

"Don't give me that look. I'm coming over," he says before you can even reply.

"Awsten—"

But he lifts a finger at you. "Shut up. I'm coming over."

And with that, he hangs up.

Ten minutes later, you hear him knocking on your door. You let him in, and he wraps you in a hug immediately.

"I love you a lot," he mumbles near your ear.

"I love you, too," you reply.

"Stop trying to protect me from yourself. Just let me in."

You pull away and look into his eyes. He looks at you, his eyes shining in the light.

"Good things don't last," you whisper.

"Well, fuck all those good things, because, this is the best thing."

And with that, he pulls you into his chest again.

You feel tears prick your eyes. This is exactly what you needed. You pull him closer and finally, you decide that it's okay. Even when you don't trust yourself, you have to trust him. You have to trust him to love you. You have to trust him when he says he won't leave.

Years later, when you're still together and even more in love, you realize you had nothing to be scared of.

It was finally your time to become happy. And you couldn't imagine anything better.




A/N

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