So yesterday I felt like shIT so I did a free writing thing and decided to utilize it
Ironically I'm really happy right now lmaoooo
I really really want to be alone right now. Things are happening so fast, and not even music is fixing it. People are fucking pissed at me for no valid reason, and I hate myself. I feel like I'm incapable of doing anything. I feel selfish. I feel like I don't really know what I'm doing with my life—that is definitely true. I have no clue what I'm doing, and that's really wonderful.
I keep falling for people who don't want me. I don't even know what I'm doing. I never want to rely on other people for my happiness, but it's like writing about relationships has made me want one myself. I let myself think too far ahead. Real love doesn't exist. It just doesn't work. You fall for people who either don't know you're alive, or you fall for people who can't be with you. When people like you, you're on that other side. You're not available to them; you don't like them.
As I'm thinking, the doorbell suddenly rings. I stand up and go over to it. I can literally feel my numb facial expression. I'm not in the mood for people right now.
I open the door to see my best friend standing there. She smiles slightly, and I force a smile on my face.
"You're in a mood again, aren't you, Aws?" she asks, stepping into the apartment.
"Yes," I reply. There's no use hiding it from her.
"Well, let's just sit on the couch in silence, then," she says, walking into the living room. I follow her as she falls back onto the couch. She looks to me.
"What did you actually come here for?" I question, going beside her and sitting down.
"I missed you," she replies simply. She puts an arm around me, leaning into my chest. I let out a breath and put an arm around her shoulders. She's warm against me, comforting me slightly.
I start thinking once more.
Maybe people come into your life for a reason, but maybe you're just saying it's for a reason because you want to convince yourself that something good will come from this. The reality is that you don't know what the fuck is going on, and you can't control anything either.
You can control yourself. But even that has its limits. You can't control who you love. You can't control how you feel—not completely, anyway. When you feel something and even go as far to letting yourself feel it, it goes distances. Maybe to distances you don't even want it to go.
Then what are you supposed to do? Are you supposed to just "enjoy the ride"? Is there anything else you can do? You can't keep going back to the same person or time or event and wonder "what if I did such-and-such?" It doesn't work that way. That's not actually going to change anything. Well, it'll make you feel like shit; that's exactly what it's going to do.
"You're still thinking, aren't you?" she asks, and I shrug. "You know what you need?"
"I'm going to stop you right there," she cuts in, a small smile on her face. "You need to stop forcing things. Or trying to force them. You need to let go."
"Of what? What's left of my sanity?"
"You never had any sanity to begin with," she replies. "You need to stop trying to control everything." With this, she leans in slightly, making me blink.
Is she doing what I think she's doing?
Her lips meet mine, and I do as she suggested: I let go. I do what feels right, and what feels right is to kiss her back.
I lean into her, putting a hand on her face and pulling her closer. She smiles against my lips as she tangles her hands in my hair. She tugs lightly, making me smile against her. She tastes sweet and slightly spicy. It's exhilarating. I love it.
When we pull apart, we're both breathing heavily, but it still feels like it's too soon.
"Do you know how long I've waited to do that?"
"No, but I have a feeling you're going to tell me," I respond, and she rolls her eyes.
"Several years, at least."
"Then why didn't you go and do it?"
"You were too far in your own head, you fucking blueberry."
"You're not wrong," I respond, but this time, I lean in and kiss her.
Apparently that was enough for us to start dating and get married several years later.
I'm really happy now so we're good