Sometimes you really need to scream.
You need to yell and let it all out.
But you can't scream at him; he's done nothing wrong.
Yet sometimes you wind up snapping at him.
And you hate it—he doesn't deserve that. He acts like it doesn't bother him, but you know it does. It's clear in his expression. His eyes dull slightly, and his lips turn down; if you weren't so close, you wouldn't notice. But you know him, and he knows you. That's why he doesn't blame you when you do things that hurt him.
But you can't keep hurting him because you're in pain. He wants to help you, but he can't help you if you don't want to be helped.
Do you want to be helped?
Sometimes you wonder. Maybe you're done. The only thing stopping you from giving up is...him. If he weren't here, you wouldn't be either.
You look toward him. He's sitting on the other end of the couch. There's empty space between you, making him feel further than he really is.
As if he sensed your thoughts, he moves until he's lying down with his head in your lap. He looks up at you, his pupils dilating slightly as your eyes meet. Whenever you see that look in his eyes, you can't help but smile. Your heart warms, and for a moment, you forget everything wrong with the world. Everything right in the world is right here in your arms, after all. You touch his face and look into his eyes. It feels like your heartbeats fall in sync and you breathe as one. The world fades to grey and all that exists is him.
"I love you," he says softly, and you feel your heart break. Not in the way it breaks when you're hurt. It breaks in that way it breaks when you've been holding everything in for too long and you just...break. You're done. It's all going to come out, and you can't stop it.
Your eyes well up with tears, and you blink, making a teardrop fall onto his face. He doesn't flinch; he just looks up at you and touches your face.
"I'm in love with you," he says. "I don't want to see you hurting."
You open your eyes and look at him. You let out a breath slowly, and he strokes your cheek as another tear threatens to fall. You look forward, and the tear streaks down your cheek, burning your skin.
"I love you," you finally say, and he sits up before enveloping you in his arms.
"I know," he replies softly by your ear.
You pull him closer and breathe him in. He smells sweet like he always does. His scent calms you. He calms you.
You feel more tears rolling down your cheeks, but you don't even care.
"It hurts a lot," you whisper, and he just rubs your back softly.
"I know it does," he replies, making you bite your lip.
"Don't apologize for something that's not your fault."
He pulls away and looks into your eyes. "I don't care. You're going to say you hurt me or whatever, but I want you to know this: I don't fucking care. You can hurt me as much as you want; I know you don't mean it." He seems to look through you. You feel as though you're everywhere and nowhere at once. "The time you hurt me on purpose, well, I'll probably do a big fucking die."
At that, you let out a small laugh. You can't help it. He just makes you laugh.
"Good to know me doing a big ass die amuses you," he says, and you shake your head.
"Shut up," you mutter. But even with just that, you feel like a huge weight has been lifted from your shoulders.
"You love it," he says, pulling you into a hug again. "But seriously," he says, his tone soft again. "I love you and I don't care if you hurt me. I just want you to be okay."
"I know," you whisper, closing your eyes.
Quick fixes don't exist, but you know things will get better. With him by your side, it'll be okay. You know it will.
sorry for not updating in
I've been dealing with some shit but I'm grateful for my boyfriend
Who (as well as Awsten of course) inspired this