A Barrier Meant To Be Broken

Author's Note Three

December 1st, 2018

  It's hard to believe that I've spent so much time back in school and back on this site! I have to say that I enjoy being back. Although, my carpel tunnel is making me suffer. What I wanted to share with all of you today are excerpts of my latest project....that I just finished! This project was for my Psychology class which they call "Understanding The Self". 

Assignment: Write about the self. Make it creative (magazine like) mention any important information about yourself, unforgettable memories, your dreams, and any other information you'd like to share!

Above is the cover! 

What Lies Beneath

The Shift:

"No one had power over you unless you give it to them, you are in control of your life and your choices decide your own fate."—Leon Brown

  It's hard to think of the exact moment that I accepted myself. What I do know is that I couldn't have done it without help. A teacher told me once, "What bothers you or upsets you is what you allow to affect you." At first, I remember being angry at her. I don't remember which teacher it was that told me this but I do know that a woman said these words and in turn, this quote, changed my life. I realized during the midst of my turmoil that this teacher was right. Why was I letting other peoples' thoughts and decisions define who I was on a daily basest? If I am me and not them then why do I not have control? Now that I think of it, I was in grade seven when I was enlightened by that statement. Closer to the end of the semester I would meet my first love, the person who I call 'My Foundation' today.

Accepting the Self:

"Peace comes from within..." –Buddha

My life fell apart for the first time on September 19th, 2006: This was the day that I not only lost my aunt, I lost my family as well. My Aunt Nida was a woman of good faith. Because of her, I originally wanted to become a missionary. I remember being speechless. There were tears in my eyes but no words would come out of my mouth. I held her hand. I don't remember if I gripped it tightly or not. What I do know, is that she opened her mouth, as if to say, "It's going to be okay." And I felt her soul leave her.

Such an abstract concept for a ten year old. Up until this point I was blind to the world around me. I was protected by anything and everything that could bring me pain unless it was physical. This was my first heart break—my first devastation. After my aunt died, I remember running. At one point, I ended up in my room with a pencil in my hand and a notebook hastily opened to a blank page. I wrote my first poem that day. The title was, "Who". Though the contents allude me, I do know that I wrote to try and figure out why my aunt was taken away from me.

  After all, I was ten years old and little makes sense in abstract concepts. It took me two years from that point to recover from my depression. Although, it wasn't the same for my family. I learned to look over my writing and try to decipher it because I noticed that I wrote differently depending on my mood. That was the beginning of my journey in understanding who I was at the time.

When did I accept myself? When I think about, I realize that I don't have the self confidence that I should but accepting one's self and having self-confidence isn't the same. I learned to accept myself in my first relationship. My Foundation taught me that I was his strength. That somehow, I inspired him and because I was a female in his life that seemed to understand the world on a more abstract and concrete manner than most, I should know that I am who I am.

Today, in 2018, My Foundation is still in my life. I only told him recently that I nicknamed him that and my nickname for myself in his eyes was 'His Beginning'. He didn't argue. Instead, he said that he understood but needed to make sure that I wasn't wanting more from him. It hurts to know that I hurt someone in that manner. I hurt him and he hurt me. Yet, after eleven years we manage to find a neutral ground with each other that makes us both happy.

 "You cannot truly run away from yourself, no matter how hard you try." –DJ

Being Someone Else: 

  As I inferred earlier, me and My Foundation did not stay together. However, My Foundation did set a standard. My first relationship lasted two years because we understood the concept of communication, trust, and honesty. However, the fact was, I was twelve when we got into the relationship and he was thirteen. When we parted ways officially I was fourteen and he was fifteen. At that age, and even today, there is no certainty for tomorrow. At that that time, I was livening in the moment but we were at the stage where we were asking each other now what? And it triggered a fear in me, because I didn't know. But neither did he.

After my aunt died I learned to love someone else. I learned to love My Foundation. But then, he was gone. Due to my lack of experience in the word and my fear. He was always a phone a way, but he made sure that he didn't physically appear in my life. He became toxic to me, and I became toxic to him.

In 2010, we broke up officially and he had transferred schools. I had a chance to transfer with him but when I showed up to school to see my friends I realized that, he wasn't everything to me. My friends made me happy which eased my mind. That meant, I could live without him. Or at least, I could try.

Grade nine was my first year without My Foundation and my best friend at the time introduced me to a writing website. A lot of what I had written was lost somewhere in the depths of my room or in a journal in a stack, somewhere in a somewhat organized pile. I gave the website a chance but I was still fourteen. The internet was a scary place and even though I had a Myspace like all the cool kids did at the time, I still didn't want my information out where people could find me. So, I came up with a pen name and a male persona.

Danieljames Domar was the original name that I had chosen. Now, I use Danieljames Joaquin Domar due to my father's displeasure in the backstory that I was unaware of. When I was born, I had my umbilical cord wrapped around my leg and because of that, the doctors thought I was a boy. My name was going to be Daniel James or Joaquin or—whatever my parents would have agreed on at the time. But. My dad not like the 'James' portion of my name because 'James' was my mother's 'ex'.

My father said, "She had a choice between him and me. And luckily, she chose me." He then went on about how he wanted to call me Joaquin because he wanted his son's name to be 'The King'. So, after learning the truth I added Joaquin to my pen name. Domar doesn't have any special meanings except that I typed in 'Domar' and it didn't show up as a last name, so I used it. 

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Most of everything else in my project so I'll be sure to post them here as well. Thanks for listening everyone - DJ