Bad Luck or Fate?

Chapter 17

"Did you tell her how you feel about her, at least?" Steve had his hands on the arms of his office chair and was leaning back. "No, I mean, well, I tried I guess. Higs, truth be told, I don't know what I am feeling, man. I don't know how to explain it. I guess this whole thing has caught me off guard. I don't know man." I sighed and put my head down between my legs and put my hands on the back of my neck.

"You don't know how you feel or you don't know what to do, Jimmy?" he asked. "Both, I guess." I said.

"Jimmy, you're my best friend. I'm here for you. You can talk to me whenever you need to. You know that. But, I'm going to offer you a little bit of advice. If there is anything I have learned in all my years, its this. It only takes one person, one moment in time to change your life, to change your perspective, or your way of thinking.  To force you to re-evaluate everything you think you know. To make you ask yourself the tough questions: Do you know who you are? Do you know how you feel? What do you want?  And I'm just here to tell you buddy, she's right. You DO need to think about this. It's not just you this affects anymore Jimmy. You're a dad. You've got Winnie to think about, and whether you like it or not, you've got Nancy to think about too because she's always going to be in your life from now on. She's not just your ex-wife, she's Winnie's mother. She's always going to be there. I'm not saying you have to be with her, or that you have to be with Breckyn, but you do need to think about this before making a decision. If this can't work in a way where you can have both without hurting anyone, then there's your answer."

"Thanks, Higs. You're right and Breckyn is right. This deserves the time to make the best decision I can, for anyone. Thank you, man. I love you, pal." I said. I stood up and gave him a hug. "We got a show to do, huh?" Higgins said. I smiled as I walked out of the door. "Let's figure out how to make people laugh." I said. 

The show went off without a hitch. We had Jeff Musial on. That dude is hilarious. It's always fun to bust his chops while he is on, acting like I hate him. I don't hate him, its just funny to play the bit like that. He's a good sport too. Although he did get a little too damn close to me with that Lizard and I didn't really like milk squirted into my eye, but I'll do anything as long as it makes people laugh. He made me lay on the desk with a sloth. That was too cool. He took a picture of me and him with the sloth. I made him text it to me so I could send it to Breckyn. I know she wanted me to take time and think about this but I knew she would get a kick out of the picture, so I sent it anyways.

Truth is, I couldn't get my mind off of her all day long. The talk with Higgins had helped some, but I missed her something awful. I can't really put my finger on why I feel the way I feel, but I think it's because I feel like I can be a real person around her. I don't have to be the famous Jimmy with her. I can just be me and feel comfortable with it. I could never do that with Nancy. She was famous too. She understood what it was like to be under the spotlight sure, but she was gone a lot and we had to go to a lot of movie premieres and she had to come to my events. The pressure of keeping appearances up takes a toll on you. With Breckyn, I could just be myself and she was fine with it. I liked that. It was refreshing. Plus, that girl has been through hell and she is still standing. That is noble. She is so brave and strong. My gosh, she is so beautiful too. Her brown hair, gorgeous blue eyes. There's just this simple beauty about her. I caught her smiling a couple times, breathtaking. 

I sat in my office for a while after the taping. I had tried to text Breckyn a couple times, but no reply back. Of course, I didn't expect any different. She had a lot to take care of at home. She also said she was going to give me space until I made a decision. I was supposed to get a hold of her when I made my decision. What kind of ultimatum was this? I wondered to myself. I took my tie off and threw it on the couch. I unbuttoned the top three buttons of my gray shirt and threw my navy jacket on the back of my chair. I began pacing back and forth, a habit I tend to use when I'm anxious. Most people bite their nails or something. I pace and run my fingers through my hair.  I do it too much, but damn it, this was messing with my head.  On one hand I understand where Breckyn is coming from, but on the other hand, I don't. I'm already divorced. There's no taking that back, and even if there was, I wouldn't want to. I am much happier now than I have been in a long time. I still have my family. I still have my daughter. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret being with Nancy. I wouldn't be where I am today without her. I wouldn't have Winnie without her. How can you regret something that has given you the best thing in your life? You cant. But, Nancy and I arent in love anymore. I am not mad at that. I am not bitter about that. We sat down and thought long and hard about how to deal with our relationship and at the end of the day, we realized you can't pretend to be something you aren't. We owe it to ourselves to be happy, and we owe it to Winnie. She needs parents that work well together and are happy, and now we will be able to give that to her.