Symphoni Peterson. (SYM, JACKIE, & LEO IN MM)
Some days you feel up, and others you feel like the world is crashing in and there's no one to save you.
Just seeing myself 10 years ago is like two strangers meeting. My smile, even that's different. Then, I was ungrateful and I never cared about consequences.
Every time I made a mistake back then it was always a tomorrow. Nowadays, there's a chance I won't be here. Even back then there was a chance I wouldn't be there the next day but my diagnosis gives it a greater chance now.
"I think that's enough for today."
"Me too. I think I'll let you and your mom talk. Love you girl." Jackie said after she had given me a kiss on the cheek.
Nodding, my mother and I waited until she was gone before saying anything.
"You wanna tell me why you're crying?"
"It's nothing. I'm fine."
"I feel like this is my fault. I let this man into our lives and looked past his past." She sighed, looking down.
"You just gave the wrong person a chance, Mom. Don't blame yourself for something you can't control. You've told me this a million times."
"Just seeing you taking those pills this morning because of a man I let into my life being naive makes me feel less of a mother. If it wasn't for him I would have my sweet little girl but she's gone and all that's left of her is hurt and a broken heart that she's tried to hide from everyone but has failed miserably doing so." Feeling tears at bay, I quickly wiped them.
"Stop."
"No, you need to hear this. I want you to move on and find a guy that loves you for you. HIV has become a part of you sadly. I'm not saying find a guy HIV positive. Just find someone who's willing to understand what you have and look past it. Build something unbreakable with him and have his kids."
"Mama." My voice cracked.
She pulled me into her arms wrapping them tightly around me. It's something about your mother holding you. It makes you break down even more.
I cried into her for what felt like forever. It was like I was set free because I was finally seen. Someone took the time to peel back my walls and tell me that they can see the hurt I feel.
"This isn't your fault, sweetie. Go out there and be happy."
"Thank you." I softly whispered, thankful she'd heard me.
She held me tighter for a few minutes.
"I know you have to run to the grocery store, so I'll get out of your hair. Be careful."
A lot of weight had been taken off my shoulders. For once I could smile without suffocating thoughts.
"I will. I love you."
"And I love you too."
—
I looked through my phones notes, stopping at the chips aisle. Preparing to climb on a rack since I don't follow directions, my senses failed me as I felt myself in the air.
Only thing is I can't fly.
"Shit." I sighed in relief, feeling my body in someone's arms.
Thankful that someone had saved me, I turned to see Amaru looking straight at me. Almost falling again, he caught me.
"A little more clumsy than I remember."
"Sorry. How are you?"
"A little better since I've seen you. Don't you know you aren't supposed to climb the racks? It's dangerous."
