The Plan (The Series #1)

Chapter 40

Hirap

I tried, okay?

I tried to act normal.

I tried to be calm.

I tried to move freely.

But the chains of my conscience are just pulling me back to its prison. Parang kinukulong ako. Parang habang buhay ako kukulungin ng konsyensya ko. Unti-unti akong papataying. And it's hard.

I got discharged from the hospital. Tapos naglakas-loob na um-attend sa burol ni Naiser. My classmates were there. They gave me affectionate hugs just to relieve from what happened.

But I think, that these hugs and affections can't free me yet from the forming pain inside me. But as what I've said... I'm wiping my tears from now on.

Naiser won't want this. Naiser won't like this.

He's not a fan of angst, sadness, and misery. He's the opposite of it.

Sobrang bait ng pamilya ni Naiser. They welcome me with arms so wide, and ready to envelope me with a hug. Hindi ko nga alam kung paano nila ako natatanggap kahit ganito ang sitwasyon nila. Naiser's family are fallen angels.

Natalia sat beside me. "Ate Blanche, alam mo bang lagi kang kinekwento ni Kuya?"

I smiled. "Talaga? Ano nanaman ang kinekwento sa 'yo ng mokong na 'yun?"

Kainis. Nami-miss ko na talaga si Naiser. Parang 'di na kami kumpleto kung wala siya. The conversation only gets hyped up if Naiser's around. Kulang na ang tropa.

She slightly chuckled. "Na sobrang kulit mo raw paminsan-minsan. Tapos may nakwento pa siya na tinamaan mo raw siya sa mata ng paper airplane noong Grade 9 palang kayo."

I grinned. Parang masasabi ko na rin na isang memory 'yun. Ang epic talaga ng pagmumukha doon ni Naiser. But I was too damned guilty. Natamaan siya sa mata. Syempre, mag-aalala rin ako kahit papaano.

Hmm. Reminiscing Naiser felt nostalgia. Nakaka-miss talaga ang mga memories namin na kasama pa si Naiser. Joker 'yun, eh. Kaya mahirap talaga siyang kalimutan. Ang mga kalokohan niya. Mahirap talaga.

Tumagal ang pag-uusap namin ni Natalia. Masasabi ko talaga na mahal na mahal niya talaga Kuya niya. Napangiti ako. Sobrang swerte niya dahil nagkaroon siya ng kapatid na katulad kay Naiser.

Dumaan ang mga araw, hindi ko man lang naisip ang lumabas ng bahay. I'm still scared to face what's out there. I don't know why. Maybe because of what happened? Natakot ako.

Nakabaon na talaga ang pangyayaring 'to sa puso ko.

My parents were much fond of what is happening to me right now. Si Mom, lagi akong kinakausap. Habang si Dad, maya't maya, tatawag sa akin bigla. Gusto nilang mapabuti ang kalagayan ko-alam ko 'yun.

Tinawag ako ni Mom para kumain na ng pananhalian. I want to pass lunch.

"Ano ba 'yan, Blanche," sambit niya, habang nakapamaywang. "Hindi ka na kumakain."

"Ayoko talagang kumain, Mom."

"Blanche Wendy Acosta," mariin ang pagkasabi ng pangalan ko. "Umayos ka. I know you're mourning over your friend, pero ayoko 'yung ipinapakita mo ngayon. Gusto mo bang mamatay sa gutom, Blanche? Gusto mong sumunod kay Naiser, gano'n ba?!"

I have never heard Mom, this fuming mad. I felt my tears flowing down again. Agad ko 'yon inalis sa mukha. I don't want to look weak. I don't want to look sad. Pero ang hirap talaga pigilan. Naiser died. Ayokong tanggapin.

I looked at her. "Whatever it takes just to relieve my conscience, then yes!"

Mom looked at me with disbelief. "Hindi dapat gano'n, Blanche Wendy! That will not help you!"