Prehalia's Demons(Completed) I #Wattys2019

12 I PILLS

When I go back home I open the kitched drawer that Jess took the pills from the day before. I throw the lid to the side and take a handful, staring at them.

I don't move. My brain has stopped working correctly.

It's so easy to just...die.

As I look at the white medication, a memory appears in my jagged mind and I once again find myself in the eye of the storm. Weak and unable to break free from the horror of my past.

My eyes are closed and I feel grass beneath me, gently tickling the skin of my bare hands and legs. It's hot outside and there are shadows playing around behind my closen lids. I can feel the sun burn my sensitive skin but I don't seem to care. I open my eyes and am met by a pair of silver ones. Leo's gaze seems surreal in the sunlight while mine are as brown and as boring as always.

I am accutely aware of how close he is to me but I don't mind. If anything my body is begging him to move closer. Without thinking, my hand pulls his tshirt and he finds himself so close that his breath is warming my face and I can see the specks of blue in his pretty eyes as well as those cute random freckles all over his nose.

"I've always thought that your eyes are special." He smiles at me, smugly suggesting things by taking glances at my lips. "But I guess I was wrong. I can see that they're just a really light blue."

His smile suddenly turns upside down and his expression is confused. He slightly pulls away from me.

"Buut-" I pull him in closer again, "I think that makes me like you more."

"What do you mean?" He is suddenly even more confused. I've always believed that the way he scrunches his nose trying to understand what I'm going on about is very cute.

"Well, it makes me feel like you're more human." I close my eyes and hum a song that we both love. "I guess I don't want to feel inferior to you."

He laughs and his chest that's firmly pressed to mine vibrates with joy, the waves spreading to my body leaving me calm and content. "Why are you so strange?"

I brush away a stray hair out of his face but I keep the slight smile on my face. He doesn't realize how crazy I actually am. Yet.

"If I tell you something, can you promise me that you'll never tell?"

"Of course."

"I tried to kill myself."

The breeze is the only thing I hear in the next moments. I can't even feel his hot breath on me, as he looks stunned by my sudden revelation. I'm not one to tell much. Samuels aren't taught to trust. We are taught to break.

I expect him to ask me questions. I expect him to leave. I expect him to think I'm a weirdo.

But he does nothing like that. He does the exact opposite.

He kisses me.

It isn't my first kiss but if sure feels like it's the first real one. When we part, my senses are hightened and I don't want to let go. I can see him smiling, that crooked grin of his that always makes my heart skip a beat.

"I'm happy I'm not the only one."

"Gosh, Leo." I wrap my hands around his shounders and his face falls right into the grass.

"Ouch" I hear him moan, his voice muffled by the ground. This time it's my turn to laugh.

When I let go of him, he sits and props himself on one hand. "You're such a bitch, Keely." I snort and laugh again. "And so ladylike...Geez, why do I think you're the most adorable person to ever step foot on planet Earth?"

I stare at him for a long while: the long black lashes, the dark hair, the grey eyes, the crooked smirk that never leaves his face when he's with me. I can't get enough of him.

"Sanchez?"

"Yeah?"

"How did you try to kill yourself?"

I don't know another person that can grimace and still keep a smile on his face at the same time. It ends up looking as if he just ate a lemon. A really, really bitter one, at that.

"Hanging. In my dad's barn just outside of town."

I cock my head to the side. This date turned out to be way more interesting and intimate. Even though I feel chills running up and down my spine as we talk about something so dangerous, I can't help but be curious. Another Samuels' rule that I'm neglecting: Don't ask questions. I guess my gaze is enough of a question for him so he continues without me saying a word.

"I just...I just thought that if I was going to kill myself repeatedly, then I want to die watching a beautiful sunset." He blushes, which makes no sense. He never blushed when he confessed his feelings for me, he never blushed when he was talking to me about how he pissed himself when he was ten. He is only embarassed when he talks about the way he wanted to kill himself. I guess that the thin line of life and death is where you can actually see a person the most clearly. A track of sweat runs down his tender neck and I stop it by wiping it away with my finger. He jumps when I touch his hot skin.

"I'm sorry, I just...it's a reflex. You could call it the aftermath of a suicide attempt."

"Gosh, how can you make everything sound like a joke? I seriously can't get you." I'm saying it humorously but I know that deep down I really don't get him sometimes. But have I ever gotten someone completely? Even Jessica is a mystery sometimes.

"I'm just trying to impress you, because I'm a boy and you're a girl and I have hormones, and-" He leans in closer. "I may or may not want to kiss you again."

I smile seductively and let him almost touch my lips with his.

"If you try to kiss me again, I may or may not break your nose with my big forehead."

He throws his head back into a laugh and I can't help but also do the same. We laugh so hard as if the world isn't wrong. We laugh so hard as if we weren't just talking about suicide.

We laugh so hard as if we aren't both really messed up.

When we're finally done, we get up and he, with a serious face, inspects my forehead.

"Damn, Keely, you really do have a giant forehead."

I come back to reality, only to find myself propped against the sink in the kitchen. I stare at my reflection in the big mirror right above. I see the same dark eyes, dark hair and pale skin. I see my forehead that me and Leo both deemed big. I see what I knew I'd see and it somehow still disappoints me.

I wish it was visible how much I've gone through but it's not.

I look cold and emotionless.

I look like a Samuels.

And because I'm a Samuels, I should suck it up and move on.

That Leonardo Sanchez is just a memory, just the brief reminder of what I've done and how I messed him up further. How I created a monster out of a boy that was already confused about himself and was easy to sway in the wrong direction. How I preferred myself over him, because after all I love myself more than I could love anyone else.

I throw the pills in the trash and splash my face with cold water. My cheeks instantly turn pink. And I do it again, and again, and again until I can feel pain. Until I know that I'm still real.