But, I love you.

Part 20

I arrive at home with Lou. She wanted to stay with me tonight. I can't help but burst out in tears.

"Come on sweety, take a shower and put your PJ on, we gonna watch some movies." Lou says. 

She's so sweet, she's really like a mommy to me.

I go upstairs and take a quick shower. I can't let Harry and Cara out of my mind. I start crying again. I put my PJ on and walk downstairs. I see Lou watching trough my dvd's. 

"Which one do you want?" She asks me.

"Everything except romances."

"Hairspray? It's a bit romance but after all it's a funny movie."

"Yeah fine."

We start watching hairspray. Zac Efron makes me dream away a bit. He's always been my celebrity crush,  since High school musical. But after a couple minutes I'm back to reality. Harry is at the brits with Cara. Perfectly skinny Cara.  I concentrate at the movie again. Zac falls in love with Tracy, she isn't the skinniest either. This would never happen in real life. Or yes, Harry did. But I bet he secretly wants a skinny girl. Maybe he regrets dating me? No, no.. He said I love you at the airport. He loves me the way I am right? Size doesn't matter.. Oh who am I kidding, size always matters. I have to lose weight. Maybe the management wants us to come out then. I have to do it, for us.

The movie is ending. I haven't seen a lot of the movie, I've been thinking the whole time.

"I'm tired, I go to bed." I say to Lou.

"Oh okay, love. I'll watch some tv. I'll have to go early in the morning so I won't be here when you wake up. Goodnight." She's gonna sleep in the guestsroom tonight.

"Goodnight." I say and go upstairs. I close my door and start doing push ups. When I get tired of it I start jumping around to lose calories. It's getting hot but it's worth it. I'm feeling exhausted but I have to keep going!  After 2 hours I'm tired and fall on the bed. Normally I should sleep immediatly now, but my mind keeps running. If I want to be as skinny as Cara I have to stop eating. I stand up and walk to my bathroom. I put 2 fingers in my mouth and throw up. I hate this, but I have to.

For us. 

"(Y/N)?!" I groan. I turn around to see Harry standing there. What is he doing here? It's 1am, he should be at the afterparty. The show ended 30mins ago.

"Are you sick babe?" He says worried, he sits next to me and rubs my back.

"No I'm not." I clean my mouth and walk back in my bedroom.

"I called your name 3 times and you didn't answered."

"Didn't hear you." I say harsh.

"Clearly."

"What are you doing here? You should be on the afterparty." 

"I didn't want to go without you."

I roll my eyes and lay in bed. I feel him laying beside me. I turn around to face the wall.

"Why are you mad?"

"Why am I mad?" I sit up and face him. "You think it's nice to see your boyfriend having fun with a model? I know she's million times prettier and skinnier. If you want me to be like her just tell me." Tears are filling my eyes. I try to keep them in my eyes.

"You don't have to be like her. I love you, not her."

"I'm not stupid. Boys want skinny girls, not girls like me." I start crying.

"Hey babe why are you so insecure? You're perfect."

"You ask me why I'm insecure? I was standing to a model with spiderlegs today. But no worries, I'll become like them."