The Worst Things in Life Come Free to us|L.R.H

68- I'm Scared.

I spend the rest of the day feeling uneasy; like everyone's eyes are on my body, and I know it's just words, and I shouldn't believe them coming out her mouth, because all she ever does is talk shit, but I can't help but hate myself; I've never been comfortable with my body. Even at the age where you were worrying about that kind of thing wasn't a thing to worry about. Even as an eight year old, my mum wanted a Barbie, she wanted slim legs and pretty dresses. She often upfront confronted me about it all, it was 'you're getting fat' or 'you need to diet' and 'you need to loose some weight'.

It was horrific and I later developed anorexia, which still mildly follows me.

I've never known how to explain it, really, my resentment for myself- it has always annoyed me when people called me beautiful, before Luke, only because of the fact I never believed them, and I can't really say I believe him now. Believing isn't my thing.

When the bell rings, I jump out my skin and let out a yelp. Morgan laughs harshly and so does everybody else.

I blush an annoying red colour and they continue to laugh more.

A hand on my shoulder and I flinch.

"You're still thinking about what she said, aren't you?" Michael asks his voice soft and dejected and I bite hard on my tongue to stop myself from snapping.

"No." I stop. "I'm not." I stop again and he certainly doesn't believe me, but I certainly couldn't care less.

"Come on," he says quietly, "let's go, you have a football match,"

My stomach drops at the thought of our match today; I've been treading it since it was announced a while ago. "you'll be okay, sweet," he pulls me into the side of him, and the warmth of his side hug fills me with a bit of reassurance- his hugs make everything better.

"e-everyone's going to watching." I say, my breath taught in my throat and my chest tight with anxiety.

"Yeah. And they'll all see how good you are," he smiles as I grab the kit out of my locker and then he tells me to get ready. "I'll see you, good luck," he kisses my cheek and hugs me, I appreciate his arms around me and it's a good hug while it last but then he's out of my arms and I have to go to the changing rooms.

"This is the first match this year guys, and we hate those!" Shaun gestures to the door, where the other team presumably stand the other side. "We have to try our best, we can do this," every body cheers apart from me and I just smile, I clutch my sides with my arms wrapped my stomach and the anxiety cramps.

I tell myself that I'm okay.

I tell myself I will be okay and everything will pan out alright, no matter what happens in the match, it will be over in two hours.

Two hours is easy.

Football is easy.

I've done this before.

When we're out there, the cheerleaders do their weird dance and the crowd is loud, we have to wait and do other football match things but then the whistle blows and we begin to play.

At first I'm stiff and I don't feel natural. I was hoping when I got out here the nerves would fade but it doesn't seem to for another ten minutes.

"What's up?" Calum asks, touching my arm lightly and I shake my head.

"Nothing, I'm fine, just need to get in the mood," I say, running a shaky hand over my hair and into my pony tail.

When Calum passes me the ball, I begin to run up the pitch and when someone on the opposing team attempts to tackle me, then accidentally elbow me in the side and it knocks the wind out of me, but I carry on anyways.