"so.. how have you been feeling? how are things?"
i shrug and say nothing.
no, i'm not bloody okay, is what i don't say.
I've never been okay and i never will be is what i want to scream at the top of my lungs until my throat bleeds and my chest is tight.
i sit in the familiar leather seat, opposite a smiling Dr. Fall. i fiddle nervously with my thumbs as i think over the answer.
i hate the therapists is my answer.
she keeps the warm- fake- smile plastered on her face, whilst meanwhile, i know she hates it when i don't answer her questions.
she tries again and i still stay quiet.
because truth is, i'm not. yes, things are better.
term started 4 weeks ago now, and times gone to fast.
it's flown out the window and i haven't accomplished anything. because i'm a failure.
I've built a steady relationship with Luke, the boys and Clary, and that's great. it really is, because i have someone to fall back on.
Clary and i are pretty close now, and as much as i love the boys, i need a girl friend. someone to relate to and talk with. someone to cry into that will understand how much being a female and having female hormones sucks.
but truth is, in those moments when i think i'm happy and i'm laughing, i turn my self sad once again.
because i'm petrified of being happy.
i'm so, so scared that i'll start to feel again, start to regain confidence only to be let down and disposed of.
it's happened too many times in my life and it's left me scarred.
and also, i think i'm about to relapse and i'm terrified.
no one knows it but Dr. Fall, not even Luke, but i used to self harm. i don't do it anymore, my fingers often itch but i have gained a lot of will power of time and won't let myself do it again.
it's been 10 weeks now, i know because the last time i did it was my very final day at home home.
after that last cut i promised myself i wouldn't do it any more, it was a new, fresh start and i needed to quit.
but lately it's been getting bad. i haven't done anything yet but i'm sure i will.
as if reading my mind she gives me a look and talks again.
"have you?" her voice is sad.
"no, not yet.. but- but i think.." my voice is quiet and trails off. she gives me a look and sighs.
she knows how bad i can get.
"well, why do you think it's happening?" she asks, wresting her head on one of hands. she's looking at me intently as if trying to figure out an abstract picture. i break our eye contact and look down at my lap. i run a hand through my blond, loose hair and sigh.
"i- i don't know.. it's just.. all these.. voices and i'm falling apart and i just--" i stop myself before i say to much. she remains silent.
"we seem to have noticed you haven't been picking up your weekly subscription for your meds, Tessa.. and we're concerned and we know what that means," her tone is serious and i feel my breath hitch in my throat, i was an idiot for thinking they wouldn't find out. "why have you stopped taking it?" she asks.
YOU ARE READING
The Worst Things in Life Come Free to us|L.R.H
Fanfiction"sometimes walls are put up, not only to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down." - Warning: may be triggering :)x also this story is quite long, so please don't just like give up half way through okay ily
