jellybean • billie eilish

sixty three

i opened my eyes slowly, looking towards the window where the sun was glaring through.

another day on tour but today was different from all the rest, today i felt so numb.

we're just protecting you from yourself.

after staying in the hospital for the last couple of days, i'm starting to wish that i never even went on tour.

the depression has hit harder this time round and the only time i feel good is when i'm with billie.

but she's not here now, is she.

we're back on the road today, heading straight for new york but i'm yet to decide whether i'm going to cancel my show or not.

you should.
no one's going to want to see you.
they all know what you've done.

i really don't want to cancel a show but i'm starting to think that it would be a good idea to.

of course it would.

i suppose i'm just going to have to talk to nicole about it later and see what she thinks about it.

"jess, are you awake?" i heard someone speak from the door.

i turned towards it, expecting to see someone standing there with the door opened but no one was visible.

"yeah?" i spoke, loudly enough for them to hear.

the door opened and in walked georgia, who i really wasn't expecting to see.

she's probably come to have a go.
you deserve everything you get.

"are you okay?" she questioned.

i nodded slowly, a little confused as to why she would think that i wasn't.

"nicole wants to see when you're ready." she told me.

the panic had already began to set in and no matter how much i tried, i just couldn't shake the feeling.

"jess?" georgia questioned.

i looked up at her before nodding to let her know that i had listened to what she was saying.

you're so rude.

but i had no plans to leave my bed because i didn't have the energy to, not even to find out what nicole wanted to talk to me about.

she gave me a weird look before exiting my room and shutting the door behind her.

you can't keep hurting people.
stop being so mean to everyone.
get over yourself.

i sighed but allowed the voices to continue their attack because i couldn't muster up enough energy to argue with them.

you're just so stupid.
all you do is hurt people.
no one cares about you.
they pretend to but they don't.
everyone just wants you gone.
they hate you.
why don't you make everyone's lives better?
just kill yourself already.
when you're gone everyone will be so much happier.
happier than ever.

i let out a sob, not willing to hold in my feelings anymore.

the thoughts of life without me were overwhelming but i knew that everyone would be so much happier if i wasn't here.