jellybean • billie eilish

sixty

today's a new day but absolutely nothing has changed, except for the fact that i've gotten nicole off my back.

are you sure about that?

she's so caught up in this whole georgia situation that she's not bothered about how i'm doing.

now normally i would be begging for attention, but for once i actually preferred it this way.

sure i'm at breaking point but i like keeping that hidden from everyone until it almost kills me.

"are you okay jess?" i heard someone ask from the door.

i glanced at them, breaking my stare from the wall, before nodding to let them know that i was okay.

you're such a good girl.
everyone believed your lies.
now you can finally die at peace.

"can you come and get a snack? i need you to eat something before your show." jackie spoke again.

and although i absolutely repulsed by the idea, i reluctantly agreed.

following her out of my room and back towards the kitchen area, hoping that this would be easier than i expected.

"i was thinking a banana or maybe some crackers?" she told me.

i shrugged, not really wanting to have to make my own decision about it.

you don't deserve food.
food = fat.

"maybe some crackers, i don't mind though." i told her.

i was trying my hardest to put on a mask because i wasn't happy, i mean i was having to eat so why would i be?

"sure?" jackie said but it came out as more of a question.

clearly she was shocked by my sudden change in mood, but i was hoping to keep her at bay for a while longer.

just until you find the guts to kill yourself?

until i find the guts to kill myself...

"here you go." she told me, whilst handing me a bowl.

there was only a few crackers in the bottom but it would certainly be enough to tide my over during my show.

are you really going to do this?

i took the bowl and went to sit down on the booths next to the table, trying to shut myself off from the world as the mental battle began.

the second my fingers reached for the crackers, the voices began yet another vile attack on me.

vile?
you think that was vile?
really?
we can do a lot worse.

i shook the thoughts from my head, not allowing them to fully root themselves in my mind.

"are you okay?" jackie questioned.

i lifted the cracker in my fingers before placing it into my mouth to try not to draw any attention to me.

draw attention to you?
i thought you didn't want the attention?

"yeah? why would i be?" i asked, pretending not to know a thing.

she gave me a questioning look but didn't take it any further, instead dropping the subject.

i picked up another cracker and putting it into my mouth almost instantly to avoid anymore unwanted recognition.

unwanted?
you've been begging for it for years.