jellybean • billie eilish

two

today isn't a good day, i'm struggling a lot more than i would like to admit but that's okay.

there are only a few more days until tour and the thought of the rules and challenges that come with that, terrifies me a little.

i mean at the moment i'm not eating or even trying to take care of myself but when i'm there, i'm surrounded by so many people forcing me to do things that i don't want to do.

"jess breakfast!" my mom called from downstairs.

but i was far too nervous to eat or even think about doing so.

"jess?" she called again.

maybe she knew that i was ignoring her? maybe she just didn't care?

no of course she doesn't.

not the voices. they've been coming back lot more recently and it's getting hard for me to pretend that they don't exist now.

i began to stand up, feeling awful for ignoring my mom but i instantly planned myself back on the floor when i was attacked yet again.

don't you dare.
you can't give in to her.
she's just trying to tempt you.

i sighed. no one knew how hard it was to fight these voices daily and the actually toll they have on me.

you love us really.

but they weren't wrong, i did love the effect that they had on me but not the way they went about getting what they want.

what can we say? we know what we want.

my wrist began to itch, a sensation that i hadn't felt in a while but i chose to try and ignore it at first.

come on.

the itch began to feel like it sinking deeper into my skin, beginning to make me feel like iwas suffocating.

you know you want to.

the tingling feeling ran up my arm, almost as if it was telling me my brain to chase it down my arm.

just do it!

with every bit of force i had in my body, i grabbed the closest thing to me and threw it at the wall, allowing me to get rid of the urge that was chasing around my body.

"are you okay sweetheart?" my mom spoke softly from the door.

i looked up, my tear-stained face meeting with the sad look on hers as she scanned the room to see what was going on.

"what's wrong?" she questioned.

you can't tell her.

although i wanted to speak to her, allow myself to let her in, i just physically couldn't let myself do that.

"does this have something to do with natalia?" she questioned.

my eyes squinted at the thought of my sister being around again, the pain shooting through my body.

"jess watch me!" i heard my sister call from out of the window.

i sat myself up to get the perfect view, the tears still ran down my face as i longed to be outside with my sister.

but i knew that i had to play by my dad's rule when it comes to punishments, or they would be a lot harder the next time.

"watch!" natalia shouted again.