jellybean • billie eilish

fifty nine

the thoughts about georgia haven't left my head but i know that i can't let them get to me.

if i let them take over then everyone will be focused on me and i can't have that, georgia needs help.

and you don't?

i'd rather she had the help and support that she needed from my team than i did.

i don't deserve it, nor do i wanted or need it in any way and they need to understand that.

maybe this is your chance?

my eyes lifted as i felt someone's presence next to me, reminding me of what i was doing.

the table that was infront of me, the food that sat on the plate just out of my gaze and the sick feeling that had planted itself in my stomach.

i've been sat at the table for a while and i just cannot bring myself to eat, i'm so scared that i'm gonna choke.

that's because you are.

every single time i put food anywhere near my mouth, my head tells me that i'm going to choke.

weren't not telling you.
we're warning you.

"come on jess, you need to try and  eat." nicole tried to argue yet again.

i shook my head, refusing to allow myself to get too much closer to the food that was infront of me.

"jess..." i heard her say.

but i instantly shook my head, not willing to let her take control of the situation.

"go take care of georgia." my anger spat at her.

she looked at me with her eyes squinted, clearly not aware that i had a problem with her helping georgia.

because i didn't have a proper problem with her, more that the voices were jealous of her getting the attention.

you should be too.

"what do you mean?" she questioned.

i shrugged before returning my gaze to the food that was sat on the table infront of me.

this is a constant daily battle at the moment, i try and argue back but i just don't have the energy so i stay quiet most of the time.

you're going to choke.

"jess." she spoke sternly.

i shook my head yet gain, there was no way i was going to eat because i just couldn't.

good girl.

"why can't you?" she asked me.

although i wanted to tell her, the voices praise was enough to spur me on.

it would just sound so stupid and then she would think that i was just saying it try and get out of eating.

well?
aren't you?

"stop thinking jess, what's going on?" she asked me again.

i shook my head, i just couldn't bring myself to tell her because i was too scared of embarrassing myself.

embarrassing yourself?
you've done that already.
you do that everyday.

she moved herself so that she was sat down infront of me, making our eyes suddenly level.

i hate when she does this because it always makes me feel so uncomfortable and weak.

but that's exactly why she does it, she knows that she can get the answers from me that she wants.