jellybean • billie eilish

seventy six

after yesterday everyone seems on edge, including me, but i don't know why.

for some reason they don't actually believe that i'm fine when i say i am, and i understand, but i wish they wouldn't question it.

i am fine: aside from the not sleeping or eating, the sudden extreme outbursts, the voices and the suicidal thoughts.

so you're not fine.
so stop lying.
but no one can know.
you can't trust anyone.

"jess hurry up!" i heard kiera call from outside the bathroom door.

she's been outside the door for about twenty minutes because i'm struggling to even take care of myself anymore.

kiera, on the other hand, has been getting on my nerves ever since she turned up out of the blue yesterday.

"if you're doing this just to annoy me, it's working!" she shouted, clearly irritated.

part of me was happy that i was annoying her but the other, was telling me that i had to wash my hands until they were clean, or someone i loved would die.

they will.
there's nothing you can do to save them now.
nothing.

i heard her begin to pound on the door which only adding to the time that i was going to take.

i heard him pound on the door, i held my breath hoping that he wouldn't know it was me.

"open the door jess, i know you're in there!" he shouted.

i whimpered, holding my legs up to my chest.

"jessica!" she shouted.

"jessica! i'm not messing around." he shouted.

i whispered as quietly as i could but nothing would get past my dad.

whilst i was caught up in my head, i must've left the tap running because it ended up flowing onto my lower body.

i suppose normally i would've cried about that but today i just don't have the energy.

my hand outstretched infront of me, turning the tap off before shaking the water off my hands.

i hurried to dry my hands and then i unlocked the lock on the door, scared to see what was on the other side of the door.

she's probably going to kill tou.
or at least hurt you in some way.
you have no idea what she's capable of.

"finally, what's wrong with you?" kiera asked rudely before pushing past me.

i rolled my eyes at her, knowing full well that if she said anything else then i would cause her some serious harm.

"bitch." i muttered under my breath, allowing the anger to finally leave my body.

you want to do more.

"who's a bitch?" jackie asked as she appeared infront of me.

has she not learnt that jumping out and scaring me like that, isn't going to get her anywhere?

it's only going to earn her a punch in the face because everyone is annoying me today and they're shortening my fuse by the second.

she can't know.
you can't let her know.