jellybean • billie eilish

fifty six

kiera left yesterday and i'm already struggling worse than i was before.

i thought that multiple panic attacks a day were my biggest problems but now we're talking two an hour.

i'm constantly on edge because i'm terrified that someone is going to waiting around every corner for me.

but i've got to push my feelings aside because i've got a show in wisconsin tonight and i can't let anyone down.

you better not.
or you'll pay.

my eyes refocused on the wall infront of me, although it wasn't as interesting as what i had originally thought.

i looked down at my thigh, the redness was beginning to swell where i had repeatedly punched myself a few seconds ago.

maybe you should do some more.

i bawled my hand into a fist, lifting it to a suitable level before throwing it down at my thigh once again.

it wasn't that i was trying to cause myself anymore pain, that was just an added bonus.

a sharp stabbing pain shot down my leg as my fist collided with it making me wince as it did.

it feels so good, doesn't it?
go on, do it again.

i lifted my hand once again before throwing it down at my thigh, the repetitive movement did ease the feeling a little.

however this time the pain was dull, i wasn't able to feel as much of that intense pain as i thought that i would.

but that only made me long for it more, i needed that sharp stinging for me to stay with it.

at least you know now.

just as i was going to throw my fist down again but someone's hand grabbed mine, stopping me from hurting myself.

"i know you're struggling but this isn't the way." nicole began.

i shook my head while trying to pull my hand out of her tight grip, craving that pain once again.

"get off me." i grumbled.

but her grip only tightened on my fist, stopping me from getting what i wanted.

are you really going to give into her that easily?

"talk to me jess, i know you're hurting." she told me.

i didn't answer to her because i just didn't have anything to tell her, she knew too much already.

"then don't, that's fine. just stop hurting yourself because of the mental pain that you're in." she spoke.

i shook my head, not willing to agree with her on that because she didn't understand where i was coming from.

"you don't get it so stop pretending like you do." i sighed.

the truth was that i had lost all the mental energy i had to fight the voices and so, instead of doing that, i allowed them to take control of my body.

you just know what's best for you.
and that's us.

i had to do anything that would make life easier and if that meant giving in to them, then i would.

"then explain it to me jess, because this really isn't like you at all." she told me.

but it wasn't that easy to talk to her, especially not about what was going on in my head because it wasn't easy to explain at all.