jellybean • billie eilish

ten

i grabbed the closest thing to me to try and block the door of before, undoubtedly, someone came to try and get me out of my room again.

but clearly i wasn't thinking about what i was doing because i ended up with a monster in my hand and no way of blocking the door.

"three minutes jess!" i heard nicole call.

what is the worst that could happen if i do go out there?

you're forced to eat.

but, for once, the voices slander wasn't enough to stop me from leaving my room.

the thoughts of the experience that i had just had were swirling around in my mind, and the thought of hurting another adult were enough to make me comply.

"one minute jess." someone spoke.

however they didn't know that i was already on my way to them, and the second that they saw me, their faces were shocked.

"sit down jess." georgia told me with a small smile.

really jess?

the fact that the voices used my name was scary, they never normally addressed me with my name, infact i thought they never would.

of course i knew that i was here to be forced to eat but i really didn't think that they would have a whole plan in place.

of course they will.

i'm sat in between georgia and nicole, with jackie sat opposite staring at me but still i can't eat.

i don't know whether it's because i feel uncomfortable, or whether it's because there are too many people here. but whatever it is, it's extremely overwhelming.

maybe you know you don't need to eat.

my leg began to bounce at the look of the chilli that had been placed infront of me.

it smelt amazing but the thought of my stomach feeling full and not empty, was terrifying.

i allowed one of my hands, the closest to georgia, to slip under the table to run back and forth on my thigh.

feeling every single bump, letting myself remember all of the pain and suffering that each of them caused.

good girl.

although it wasn't long before someone pulled my hand away and held it tightly in their.

"just try." i heard georgia whisper in my ear.

in some weird way she made me feel happy with that comment. georgia is the only person in my team who truly understands what i'm going through because she's been through it herself.

so why aren't you doing what she says?

i sighed, lifting the spoon and placing a small bite of the chilli in my mouth.

seriously?

the flavours that exploded were better than what i had expected, but still there was that guilty feeling in the back of my mind.

i tried my hardest to chew the food, enough so that it was more mush that headed down my throat rather than any chunks that i could choke on.

you could still choke.

but after that single bite, the mental pain had just increased far too much for me to carry on.

"i- i c-can't." i stuttered, dropping the spoon from my hand.