jellybean • billie eilish

eighty one

"jess are you awake?" i heard nicole ask from across the room.

i rolled over, attempting to pretend to be asleep but it didn't work, it was never going to work.

you're such an idiot.
you could've at least tried.
why are you being so stupid?

"jess? you need to wake up, you're beeping." she spoke with some urgency in her voice.

within a very short few seconds, my exhausted body rose from the bed in a flustered panic.

there was no way that i could sleep now, the fear of saving my life was far too important now.

"here." she told me, handing me one of those tubes of gel.

i unscrewed the lid from the tube, placing it in my lips before sucking the gel out of it in an attempt to help myself.

why can't i just get one full night's sleep for once?

because you don't deserve it.
you don't deserve sleep.
you don't deserve anything.

i could see nicole watching me from just across the room, trying not to get too involved but the vibe she was giving off was weird.

it only took a few minutes for the gel to kick in and for me to feel somewhat better but i was still so exhausted.

"i'm sorry for having to wake you up." nicole told me once she knew that i was okay.

of course i was unhappy with her waking me up but i knew that she had her reasons to.

i shrugged, "it's fine."

i could see that still felt guilty but there was nothing that i could say or do that would make her feel any better.

the anxiety was still creeping up in my stomach and i was struggling to contain the feeling.

something's going to go wrong.
you know that it is.
it's all going to be over soon.
the pain is going to be worth it.

"what are we doing today?" i asked suddenly.

nicole stepped towards me, visibly confused by what the sudden urgency was.

"we're going out for breakfast and you've got a show later." she told me.

why are we going out for breakfast? why would they do that to me?

to make you fat.
they hate you.
they want to get rid of you.

my hands raced to my thighs, trying to pull at the fat but suddenly i hissed as overwhelming pain shot through my body.

"is something wrong?" she questioned in a knowing tone.

i shook my head rapidly whilst i tried to figure out what could've possibly happened to my thigh.

have i done something?
something that i shouldn't?

"jess?" she questioned.

no nothing's wrong.

"i'm okay." i told her, unsure of my answer.

i allowed my body to fall back down onto the bed, wondering whether i could fall back asleep again.

"do your remember last night?" nicole asked.

i sat up almost instantly, adrenaline pulsating through my veins as i racked my brain to try and remember the events of last night.