jellybean • billie eilish

seventy three

i just feel so empty, uncertain of every move that i make because i'm terrified that one thing that i do, it's going to send me over the edge.

billie's been trying to talk to me but, because i'm hurt, i've been refusing to talk to her incase i hurt her again.

you will.
you always do.

being back on the bus hasn't made anything easier, if anything, it's all gotten worse.

after my attempt the other day, my stomach doesn't seem to be keeping any of the food, that i'm forcing down, down.

but it's not like i could tell anyone that because then they would ask questions that i won't want to answer.

so don't do it.
why are you over complicating things?

"so, how are you doing?" i heard someone ask, drawing me from my thoughts.

i looked up, my eyes meeting nicole who was standing infront of me with a confused look on her face.

"what do you want?" i spat harshly.

she almost looked defeated when she heard the tone of my voice but if i cared then the voices would say that it was too much.

because it would be.
you can't care.
that's how you get attached.

"i think you know the answer to that, don't you?" she asked in a knowing voice.

the worst scenarios raced through my mind as i wondered what nicole could've possibly found out this time, although nothing came to mind when i tried.

"no?" i questioned.

she tutted before rolling her eyes, making me even more nervous then i was before.

you should be nervous.
who knows what she's found out?
you'll probably get in so much trouble now.

i began to pick at the skin around my nails, reducing some of the anxiety that was building inside me.

"you aren't taking care of yourself properly." she spoke sternly.

i let the breath out that i was holding, relieved that it wasn't as bad as i had thought in the first place.

"so?" i asked, letting my annoyance be known.

she shook her head, clearly struggling to hold in her temper as my attitude continued to go downhill.

"we can't help you if you don't want to accept it." she told me.

i shrugged, not actually having the energy to care about what's going to happen to me anymore.

"you need help." she sighed.

at this point i don't know whether to feel offended by what she is saying or agree, what's worse?

both.

"if i needed help then i would ask for it, okay?" i spoke with a sarcastic tone.

she shook her, surprisingly not giving into my tone for once.

"when you're this bad you don't know when it's 'bad enough' to ask for help." she told me.

it's not like she's wrong, infact that's probably the most accurate response that she's given me all day.

why are you being like this?
the old you would've gotten offended.

"so? what are you saying? that i'm incapable of making my own decisions now?" i snapped.