jellybean • billie eilish

seventy four

as soon as my eyes opened this morning, i felt the harsh mood that the voices had almost placed me in.

a mood that was much worse than i had been in for the last few, infact i'm probably at a worse breaking point than i was when i attempted.

so why don't you do it again?

i found myself wallowing around in self pity for probably two hours before i decided to leave my bed.

although my freedom only lasted a few minute, then i found myself returning to the dark pit in my room.

and that's where i've been for the past half an hour, scrolling through billie's messages from the last few days to try and find the courage to answer.

she doesn't want to hear from you.
she doesn't actually care about you.

but of course the peace didn't last very long when nicole entered my room, attempting to get me to eat.

don't let her.
you don't deserve food.

"come on jessica, i'm not messing around anymore." she spoke harshly.

neither are we.

for some reason i just couldn't bring myself to care, the voices were much scarier than nicole ever could be.

"go away! i don't want you in my fucking room!" i shouted in her direction.

it was almost as if i could see the disappointment on her face without even having to look at her.

"jess..." she started, but i didn't care.

i had built my walls up far too high to allow them to come crashing down now.

good girl.

"i don't wanna hear it, just get out!" i spat.

she sighed but thankfully left my room, letting the voices take back control of my body once again and leaving my lifeless frame slumped in my bed.

we'll always be in control, even when you don't want us to be.

a tear slipped down my cheek, but unlike any other before, this was a cold tear. almost as though the tear held onto that harsh side of me.

really?
more like your happiness is leaving.
and this time, it's not coming back.

why won't my body let me be in control? i can't cope like this, it's crushing me.

-

time has gone by far too quickly today but so slowly at the same time, infact it's all just disappeared.

i have maybe fourty minutes, if that, until my show and i'm terrfied because i haven't been on stage for a long time.

not that the last time i did was a good
experience but i'm hoping that today will be different.

i doubt it.
it'll all be the same.
it always is.

"jess, you need to eat something if you want to go on stage tonight!" i heard jackie shout, some slight urgency in her voice.

i shook my head at the thought of even having to try and eat anything, let alone actually swallow it.

"jessica jade knight!" she shouted again. 

i rolled my eyes, refusing to answer her until i made her extremely annoyed at me because then i would have to feel bad.

such a clever girl.
you're doing so well.
we care about you.
we're your only friends now.