jellybean • billie eilish

twenty six

"jess? it's time to go." i heard jackie say from behind the door.

i removed my head from billie's shoulder where it was resting and lifted it to look in her direction.

although she disappeared as soon as i had so i looked back to where billie was sitting.

"it's okay, you've got this." billie told me.

you haven't.
she's lying to you.

i took a deep breath before standing up, wanting nothing more than to cancel my show and sit around with billie.

but my show has to go ahead and sadly that can't be without me, although i wish it could.

well if you were dead...

out of the corner of my eye i saw billie grab something off the side before following close behind me.

we headed to the side stage, clearly billie was able to control her nerves better than i could.

or you just make her really uncomfortable?

"you'll be fine." billie whispered in my ear whilst stroking my back.

i smiled slightly, trying to believe the words that she was saying.

"i need a sugar check jess." nicole told me.

my hands patted my pockets, wondering where i could've put the glucometer.

although i ended up rolling my eyes instead of admitting that i'd forgotten to bring it with me.

"jess, i'm serious. you're not going out there unless you check." she said sternly.

i shook my head but as i did, i heard a beep next to my ear causing me to spin round.

there stood jackie holding the glucometer in her hand, scanning my arm. but the second that i turned around, she rolled her eyes at me in annoyance.

it wasn't as though i had purposely forgotten my glucometer, it was a genuine honest mistake.

really?
we're going to play this game?

"4.3" jackie spoke.

although the number sounded good, i knew that it could all change in a matter of seconds.

to try and hold in the anger, i began to pick at the skin underneath my chin, hoping that it would calm me.

i felt a hand pull mine away from my chin and hold onto it tightly as i tried to fight them.

"it's okay." billie hushed me.

but i had already worked myself up too much, so a small sob slipped through my lips.

billie pulled my head toward her shoulder, holding me tightly to try and calm me down as best she could.

"i promise you, you're safe with me." she told me.

she doesn't even know what safety is.
you can't trust her.
you're not allowed to trust her.

my eyes were focused on jackie and nicole who were talking about me, i could just tell that they were.

of course they are.
you make it so easy.

nicole nodded, she didn't seem fully happy with the answer she was given but i hoped that whatever it was, i wasn't going to be annoyed by it.

"small snack?" jackie asked causing nicole to nod.

my heart sank as i pulled myself away from billie, i couldn't bring myself to eat, not right now.