jellybean • billie eilish

twenty

my show was going so well until i felt a shooting pain down the back of my head and straight down my spine.

i decided that it would be best to leave the stage because this is becoming a recurring theme now.

"go and sit down." nicole told me the moment she saw me.

for once, i did exactly what i was told but trying to see through the blurs to get myself safely seated on a chair.

nicole began to move around me but i stopped watching her when i began to be hit by a wave of dizziness.

she asked me a million questions that i didn't have the answers to, but she had to try and figure out what was wrong.

"try this." she told me.

i did as i was told because at this point, i need to do anything i can to help myself feel better.

although the gel like liquid tasted horrible, i just kept pushing through hoping that i would feel better soon.

of course you won't.
it's poison.

"give it five minutes and you should start feeling better." she explained.

it better start kicking in soon because i really hate feeling this shitty, it's the worst thing.

these symptoms are constant and so draining to talk about, let alone experience it.

everyone waited in complete silence until they saw that i was feeling a little better, then we moved back to the green room.

are you actually feeling better?
or is it a lie?

but all that i was thinking about was a hug, a big tight hug in arms that i felt safe in.

"are you okay?" kiera asked as she walked through the door.

i shrugged before walking towards the only free chair in the room, trying to avoid the social contact that i longed for.

my head was still pounding so it wasn't like i could pretend that i was fine.

although kiera knew me well enough to know what i wanted, she instantly walked over to me and held me in a tight hug.

what if she's trying to strangle you?

"get changed and then we need to head back to the bus." nicole told us.

i nodded my head against kiera's shoulder, i was too tired to get changed but i had no choice.

but of course kiera wasn't going to make me do it alone, she was there to help me every step of the way.

"let's take your top off first." she told me.

although my body was so flippy that i struggled to remove my arm from the sleeve, so kiera had to help me.

"just put your hoodie on." kiera told me as i stood there half naked.

but, for some reason, i didn't move because i was frozen in horror at the sight in the mirror.

"hey? jess?" she questioned.

my eyes were fixated on the mirror, until her hand reached towards my face, pulling it away.

"hoodie. on." she told me.

instantly i complied by putting my hoodie on, allowing it to drown out my body.

"i'm not going to change your pants for you." she continued.

my hands slipped my pants off, not bothered about her being in the room, and throwing my sweatpants on.

"is it okay if i get everyone else back in?" she questioned.

i nodded slowly, unsure as to whether it was or not but far too out of it to care.

-

we're back on the bus and i've been in my room for probably on ten minutes but i'm pretty sure someone's outside my door.

i would say that it's nicole by her footsteps but i'm just waiting for her speak at this point.

don't be a stalker.
that's such a weird talent.

"how are you feeling now?" nicole asked whilst opening my door.

of course she didn't knock before opening the door, no doubt that was because she was expecting me to be dead.

dreams can come true.

although i'm just so numb now that it really isn't even possible for me to feel anything.

it's crazy the amount of ways that i've thought about killing myself in the last few days. which brings me so much comfort but also scares me at the same time.

"i'm fine." i told her after a very long pause.

she had this sort of smirk on her face that i really didn't like the look of.

"so you're ready for some dinner then?" she asked but practically told me.

you better say no.

i rolled my eyes at her, after everything i've been through today, she's still trying to push me to eat?

"i'm not hungry." the automated response flew from my mouth almost instantly.

she nodded slowly, trying to say that she was accepting what i was saying.

"even if you weren't, you need to eat something." she told me.

no you don't.

i sighed, "i'll have an apple then."

why would you do that?

she smiled before nodding and leaving my room, sometimes i wish i had a dog to feed my food to because trust me when i say, i would be doing that right now.

why don't you buy one then?
on second thoughts, you already have one.
you look at it in the mirror.

within seconds nicole returned with a cut up apple, surprisingly just the way i like it.

my shaking hand reached for the first slice before lifting it to my mouth to try and eat it.

why are you doing this to yourself?

i started by biting off the skin, allowing the apple to crunch a little but not too much.

continuing to do that with every slice until i reached the last, surprising myself with how easily i got through it.

"i'm proud of you." nicole told me when i finished.

but i hadn't done anything for her to be proud of, so i just smiled at her uncomfortably.

she headed towards the door before turning my light off for me to get some rest.

however, tonight we're going from montana to los angeles which is going to be quite a long journey.

although i'm not too mad because it gives me to think and plan, but i have no intention of sleeping.

plan your death?
plan your funeral?
plan a murder?
which one is it going to be?