jellybean • billie eilish

fifty

billie:
heyyy, how are you doing? 1:15pm
jellybean? 1:30pm
are you okay love? 3pm
i'm getting worried jess. 3:06pm
have i done something? 5:00pm
i'm sorry if i upset you 5:07pm
take care of yourself 6:14pm
kiera explained what happened, i hope you're okay 7:08pm
goodnight beautiful 1:47am

a tear rolled down my cheek as i read each message, she clearly cared about me more than i thought.

it's all a scheme.
she never really cared.
and she never will.

my finger hovered over the button to facetime but i couldn't bring myself to actually push it because i had no idea if billie even wanted to talk to me.

of course she doesn't.

but before i could even muster up enough courage to push the button, an incoming facetime from billie rang through my phone.

without even thinking i answered it, not wanting her to feel any worse than she probably already does.

"sorry." i began as her face popped up.

she raised an eyebrow, clearly unamused by my awful attempt at an apology.

you can't blame her.

"you don't have to apologise jess." she told me.

i shook my head, not letting her finish the sentence that she had started.

"i need to apologise billie, please just let me." i practically begged.

she frowned but allowed me to continue with my stupid apology.

but you need to do this.
she'll blame you otherwise.
she'll never forgive you.
she doesn't care about you.

"i'm sorry for ignoring you, i keep thinking about how stupid i've been and don't tell me that it's okay because it truly isn't." i told her.

billie didn't move, making the atmosphere incredibly uncomfortable.

i placed my phone down before moving away to try and avoid the awkwardness that i had created.

that's right.
you created.

my hands instantly raced up to my face but passed it to pull at my hair, trying to get rid of the voices.

"jess? love?" i heard billie call.

hear that, she doesn't love you.
she can't even use your nickname.

i let out a frustrated grunt as my hands ripped at the chunks of hair that they were holding.

"jellybean?" billie questioned.

my eyes instantly focused on my phone as my hands dropped next to my sides.

don't let her trick you.

i shook my head, not wanting the voices to gain anymore power.

we already have enough power.
no one can take that away from us.

"billie? keep talking, please!" i let out a pleading cry.

although i couldn't see her face, i knew that her voice would be enough to silence the voices.

we have more power than you think.

"jess remember what i told you, i'm always going to be here for you..." she began.

she's not though.