jellybean • billie eilish

twenty eight

instantly i accepted her request, happy that i was finally going to see her again.

"are you okay?" she questioned, concern evident in her voice.

despite the fact that i knew that i hadn't done anything wrong, i couldn't help but feel like i had.

"sorry, jackie took my phone." i apologised.

it was almost as though the relief rushed to her face when she heard the true reason behind me ignoring her.

"so how is my little jellybean doing?" her voice rang through the phone.

i couldn't help but smile at the thought of being hers, however that thought was instantly wiped away by the thoughts in my brain.

she doesn't want you.

"yeah i'm fine." i replied distantly.

within seconds her facial expression changed and she was no longer relived, the concern had returned.

"just fine?" she questioned.

i nodded but i couldn't bring myself to look at her, i felt so guilty and it made my heart ache.

you've upset her.

"what's wrong, talk to me." she told me.

i mumbled something but not loud enough for her to hear because i didn't want to upset her anymore than i already had.

your presence is annoying.

"huh?" she asked.

i sighed, not wanting to repeat myself because it was bound to upset her and i didn't want to do that.

"you left." i mumbled a little louder.

why would you say that?
you're just going to upset her even more.

i didn't mean to seem so blunt, it wasn't her fault that she had to leave but it just made me feel so bad about myself.

no it wasn't her fault.
it was yours.

"you miss me? is that what's upsetting you?" she pushed.

"mommy? where's daddy?" i asked.

she looked up at me with tears in her eyes.

"he's gone to stay with your grandma for a few days but he'll be back soon." she told me.

does daddy not like me anymore?

"i'm sorry." i apologised.

mommy bent down so that our eyes were level.

"it's not your fault baby." she told me.

i shook my head, "it is. i made daddy hate me."

"jess?" i heard billie say.

i hummed in response, although i truly wasn't listening to her.

you're going to upset her again.

"sorry yeah what?" i flustered.

she eyed me up, it was clear that she was unsure as to whether to continue but she returned to the conversation we were having.

"we'll see each other soon." she reassured me.

she might die, you might die.