jellybean • billie eilish

nine

although leaving the room probably wasn't a good idea because jackie came running back after me.

"you need to stop this behaviour and quickly." she demanded.

you don't.

i laughed, why is she acting like this is my fault?

apart from the plate that i just threw which i'll admit, was wrong, i haven't done anything wrong.

she is the one who made me spill the monster, not me and she's the one that's on my back every second of the day, not me.

exactly.

"we're going to have to have a serious conversation if this continues." she rambled on.

i shook my head, sitting down on my bed and beginning to bounce my leg in an attempt to remove all the pain and discomfort that i was feeling.

why aren't you up in her face?
shouting?
screaming?
protesting?

"get out." i spoke through gritted teeth.

i knew that if she didn't get out of here, then i would end up doing something that i was bound to regret.

"please." i begged, feeling the energy build up inside me.

she sighed, knowing that she had to back down but also not wanting to. although she did leave which instantly removed all the energy from me.

why did you stoop to her level?

i stood up as soon as the door closed, needing to pace to remove the rest of the adrenaline that was pumping through my body.

why do i have to go to such extreme lengths just to get people off my back?

because you always let them catch on far too easily.

although i thought that pacing was going to calm me down, it truly just built the energy back up.

my hands instantly run up and down my thighs, hoping that the feeling of the bumps would help me in any way.

only we can help you now.

"so are you going to tell me what's going on?" nicole asked from the door.

i shook my head, not wanting to be interrupted by anyone and wanting to be able to calm myself down a little more before any conversation.

"you need to start talking jess, stop fighting it." she told me.

i rolled my eyes, she has no idea what's good for me anymore and i think i've forgotten is.

alcohol
pain
drugs
pain
sex
pain
cuts
pain
blood
pain
scars
pain.

"you know where i am when you're ready." she told me.

i shook my head. there is no way that she really thinks that i'm going to give in that easily.

good.

the buzz from the monster finally kicked in, allowing the adrenaline from the anger to be replaced.

that's good.

but the more buzz i felt, the more i felt like i had to make up for the wasted time and energy.

you do.

so i headed towards my phone, looking for some sort of distraction to battle against the way i was feeling.