jellybean • billie eilish

fourty three

"are you okay?" she questioned as her face appeared on my screen.

she doesn't really care about you.
she's just using you.

"i'm proud of you." she told me.

when she realised that i wasn't going to answer, she changed the subject completely.

"your face looks sore..." she began.

but the second i realised what she had said before, i picked up on the fact that she had clearly seen my speech.

that will only make her hate you more.

"why are you proud of me?" i whispered.

she had absolutely no reason to be proud of me because i hadn't done anything to be proud of.

you're right.
you haven't done anything.
that's the problem.

"not everyone would have the courage to speak out like that." she told me.

i couldn't even bring myself to look at billie, instead i glanced at myself in the mirror, although it was eleven year old me staring back.

"jess look at me." i heard billie say.

timidly, i looked down to where my phone was sitting but i couldn't dare to look directly at her.

you know you're guilty.

i feared that if i did, she would find out something that she didn't need to know.

it screams guilty.

"no matter what anyone says, i will always care about you. i can make up my own mind about you and nothing  anyone else says or does will effect that way i feel." she told me.

she's lying.

i definitely did need to hear billie say that because i was beginning to doubt whether she truly wanted me in her life.

"h-have you s-seen the uh picture?" i asked, visibly afraid.

i knew what her answer was going to be but i just wanted to hear the words come out of her mouth.

however her face never once changed when she answered my question.

"yes, but every time i saw that photo, i blocked the person and reported them." she clarified.

she's lying to you.
she enjoyed every moment of it.
you were so weak and feeble.
she certainly doesn't want you anymore.

"what am i going to do?" i mumbled to myself.

but, of course, billie had an answer for anything that came out of mouth.

"you're going to take care of yourself jess, you're going to show him that you're so much stronger than he thinks. that's the best thing you can do." she told me.

she's wrong.
the best thing you can do is die.
get rid of yourself.
that way you'll feel better.
and no one will have to deal with your burden.
you are the burden.

"i don't know if i can." i spoke truthfully.

i'm really not as strong as you would potentially think because no matter how hard i try, something comes back to bite me.

"of course you can jess, from what i've heard you're always up to prove people wrong." she told me.

see, someone's talking about you.
they've been talking about you behind your back.