jellybean • billie eilish

fifty two

after what happened earlier, everyone is on edge and i can't seem to gather my erratic thoughts.

my behaviour seems totally out of control and my mood seems to have jumped from happiness to the depths of depression.

and now nicole keeps trying to pester me about things that really don't matter to me.

"jess?" i heard nicole ask.

i'm already in a bad mood, i really don't need her to come in and start having a go at me.

you deserve it.

"what?" i replied bluntly.

she rolled her eyes at me which was totally unlike her, clearly my mood is  affecting everyone.

"are you hungry?" she asked.

absolutely not.
don't even think about it.

without even having to think, i shook my head. there is no way that i'm even going to try and conquer my eating issues today, especially not when i'm in such a bad mood.

i've already had enough excitement for one day and i don't think that i can stomach anymore.

no you can't.

she sighed, one of those really disappointed sighs that makes things feel so much worse.

"you really need to eat jess, you used up a lot of energy earlier." she told me.

i shook my head, hating the reminder that she had given me about earlier.

why?
do you not like thinking about your dad?
with his hands on your skin?

my fingers began to tap a rhythm, in the hope that they could disract me whilst nicole was in my room.

"are you feeling any better now?" she questioned.

it was clear that she hadn't gotten the hint that i wanted to be left alone but i didn't care, she was going to find out soon enough.

but, because she hadn't left, i completely ignore her as i didn't want her to pry anymore information out of me.

"do you want me to go?" she asked.

well of course.

i nodded, why does everyone think that i want to socialise with them?

because you're so good at acting.

i can't stand any sort of contact with people on a good let alone a bad day, which i'm counting today as now.

although nicole didn't put up the fight that i was expecting her to, she just nodded and walked out.

however, just as she did, my phone pinged making me look down at my hand.

'unknown: two new messages'

i sighed, why doesn't it ever stop?

because you don't deserve an easy life.

it's always one thing after another at the moment and i genuinely don't know if i can cope much longer.

that's good.
let's die.
together forever.
until death do us part.

my finger hovered over the notification, unsure as to whether i should open the messages or not.

i knew that if i did then my mood would be completely ruined for the rest of the day, but it already was.