jellybean • billie eilish

eighty four

we've arrived in virginia, at least i think we have, and kiera is asleep on my bedroom floor.

this is your chance.
it's time to kill yourself.
no one wants you here.
she didn't even care enough to stay awake.

i'm pretty sure she only finished watching friend maybe an hour ago so i'd feel pretty bad if i woke her up to go and get in her own bed.

she hates you already.
she doesn't care about you.
she wants you dead.

the voices were probably right, kiera hadn't really wanted to spend much time with me since she'd returned to tour.

maybe i am the problem?

of course you are.
you're always the problem.

but i care so much about her and i don't want her to hate me, i don't want anyone to hate me.

they always will.
no one actually likes you.
they're all pretending to.

what if they don't actually like me?
they don't.

what if they are pretending?
they are.

a tear began to fall from my eye, the thought of how deceitful everyone could be being was actually terrifying for me to think about.

i felt my foot began to bounce as the anxiety quickly turned into adrenaline as the beginning stages of a panic attack consumed me.

the fear was all too much for my heart, a pressure began to fall on my chest as my heart pounded to try and keep me alive.

you're going to die.
you're so weak.

i clawed at my chest, trying to remove the pain as it only got worse but nothing was helping to ease it.

so instead of trying to relieve it, i gave up and decided to try and supress the feeling instead.

my eyes darted around the room to try and figure out what i could use as a good distraction.

nothing's going to help.
no one can help you now.

"no. no. no. no. no." i kept muttering under my breath.

there was nothing that i could do to help myself calm down and it was only going to get worse.

"help me! please help me!" i whispered urgently, knowing full well that no one was going to hear me.

no one's going to help you.
no one actually cares about you.
it's over now.

i found my chest tightening, it was only getting worse and worse the more i tried to stop it.

my phone began to ring, scaring me as i jumped away from the loud noise because i had no idea where it was.

"no, this can't be happening." i muttered to myself.

it was almost as if i was adding to the pain that i was experiencing with the thoughts that were beginning to take over me.

the noise continued to sound as i tried my hardest to cover my ears because it was all too loud.

so much beeping.
too much going on.
you can't breathe.
no one's there to help you.

my hand raced to my throat, pulling at the skin on it to try an relief the growing pressure.

i couldn't breathe and everytime i tried to inhale, i struggled to inflate my lungs or began to choke as i tried.