jellybean • billie eilish

fifty five

after my show yesterday, everything has been a total blur and if i'm being honest, i barely remember anything.

but we do.

things have taken a turn for the worst today and i'm struggling to get my head around things.

kiera's going home today because she's decided that it's best for the both of us that way.

she's not wrong.
you can finally have your pain free death.

i'm not disagreeing with her when she says that it's best but i'm certainly not going to let her go without a fight.

why not?
it's not your fault.

i don't know if she's jealous of me being around billie or talking to her but she always seems to lash out when i've spoken to billie.

but maybe it is best for everyone so that we can both have some time apart and figure out how we go forward.

my eyes refocused, giving me a few seconds to adjust to the room around me and then i continued with the conversation that i was having.

"you know i'm going to miss you right?" i told her but she ignored me.

why would you say that?

i've been trying to talk to her for the last day, just so that i can apologise, but she's always given me the cold shoulder.

can you blame her?

i know she hated me and that it's still so raw in her mind, but i just wish that we could make up and go back to being good friends again.

i don't think so.
you really think she's going to want to talk to you?

i like someone but that someone isn't kiera and i know that's going to hurt her but i'd rather not lead her on.

"you don't care jessica, you only care about yourself." she snarled.

that's not fair, i get that i've hurt her but i do care about her and i don't even care about myself.

are you sure about that?

i feel like i'm going to lose her and i don't know how either of us are going to cope, i'm really scared but i mean what can i do?

she'd be better off without you.

i sighed, i knew that the voices were right, i just brought more pain and hurt to the friendship now.

that's true.

i watched as kiera threw all her things into her suitcase, making it very clear how she felt about it all.

we must be nearly at her stop and as much as i'm not showing it, i'm scared about what this means for me.

it means you can die in peace.

i shook the thought from my head as i continued to watch kiera pack all her things away.

my heart ached and longed for her to stop but i knew that it wasn't going to happen, there was no way she'd just drop it.

stop blaming her.
you're the only one that can be blamed.
it's all your fault.
stop being so stupid.

-

kiera has been gone for a solid thirty minutes and all i've done is cry, i've really fucked up this time.