jellybean • billie eilish

thirty five

apparently i wasn't with it for quite some time but, for once, i don't blame my brain for trying to protect me.

why not?
you're just going to seem annoying.

i shook my head at the voices at the voices disgust, causing billie's hand to squeeze my should lightly.

i returned my gaze to the room, jumping a little as i noticed that everyone had returned.

when did they get there?

probably when you were being weird.

billie pulled me back towards her, immersing me in an hug which isn't eased the growing anxiety.

"i know it's hard not to, but try not to overthink." she whispered to me.

she has no idea.
you're so weird.
it's awful.
why are you like this?

i sat still, waiting for someone to break the deafening silence that had fallen.

"so there's one more surprise." kiera began.

my eyes scanned to where she was standing as the pure horror rose in my eyes.

i truly don't know if i can cope with anymore surprises today, i can try and pretend i'm happy but i'm not.

"don't worry, it's not a person." she told me.

you still need to worry.
don't forget how scared you are.

some of the horror removed itself from my eyes, but i still held some there for the fear that i wouldn't like the surprise.

"so you know that you have a day off tomorrow?" kiera questioned. 

i nodded totally unsure as to where this was going but hoping it would be okay.

it's going to be bad.
you know it is.
it's going to be awful.

"we've decided to book a hotel for the night." jackie butted in.

but that didn't help me figure out what was going on, i mean a hotel wasn't our usual choice but it wasn't totally unheard of.

something's wrong.

"you and billie get to spend the day together tomorrow!" kiera squealed.

although i was happy that billie didn't have to leave again, i just couldn't bring myself to think of how hard it would be to deal with me.

you are the worst to deal with.
she'll get bored of you eventually.
she'll leave like the rest of them.

but as soon as a big smile hit my lips, i couldn't remove it, no matter how hard the voices tried.

i may not have shown my happiness to it's full extent but it was defnitely still there.

"but first, dinner." jackie spoke.

i rolled my eyes at the thought of eating food but it was instnalty replaced with instilled fear that came along with it.

that's not happening.
you're not eating.
we don't care what you want.
you're not.

of course they told me the good news first so that they could spring the bad news on me afterwards.

that's the way it is, you know that.