jellybean • billie eilish

three

there's only two days until tour and i really wish that i could say i'm doing better, but i'm not.

i can't eat (unless i'm forced to), i can't sleep, my mind is constantly racing and i can't get all these thoughts out of mind.

to top it all off, the voices are taking over and they are adamant that they will kill me if i give them the chance.

but for now i just have to keep myself alive and avoid any suspicion from anyone before i leave on tour.

-

"morning mom!" i spoke in a cheerful tone as i entered the kitchen.

my mom looked up at me and smiled, clearly happy to see me in a better mood.

"are you okay after yesterday?" she questioned nervously.

i think she knew that it was hit or miss with me, one little thing could send me over the edge.

"just a little wobble." i told her.

she nodded before smiling slightly, happy that it wasn't all going to come crashing down again.

but she had no idea about how i was actually feeling or the thoughts that were swirling through my mind all day.

the thoughts of: death, pain, suffering, alcohol, addiction.

"what would you like for breakfast?" she questioned.

don't you dare.

i shrugged, "i'll have some cereal in a minute."

good girl.

my mom nodded, continuing to get jackson his breakfast whilst i sat there watching her. well looking like i was at least because i was infact zoned out and got caught up in my head instead.

although i don't remember much, if any, of my childhood, there are a few things that i do remember. 

but all of those things are cruel memories that are filled with a load of trauma and pain.

although that's exactly why the voices choose to attack me with them, they know it's easy game for them to destroy me.

you're just so easy to destroy.

i felt a nudge, making me look up at what was going on around me.

"jess?" i heard jackson ask.

i nodded to show that i was listening to what he was saying, even if it was a blur of words in the background.

"so what do you think?" he questioned.

my eyes closed slightly before i looked at him, my head had began to hurt and i couldn't figure out why.

"sorry about what?" i asked, rubbing my head to try and relieve the pain.

he sighed and never answered my question.

"are you okay jess?" my mom questioned from across the room.

a sharp pain in my head caused me to gasp as i nodded to let her know that i was okay.

"jess?!" she panicked when she saw the look on my face.

"i- uh i'm fine, can i have some cereal or something?" i asked.

it was almost as though i felt sort of faint and nothing that i was doing, was helping me in any way.

the pounding in my head was getting worse and it was mainly throbbing in my temples but i tried my hardest to ignore it.

"here you go." my mom told me, placing the bowl infront of me.

you can't.

i looked down at the bowl infront of me, not having the energy to pick up the spoon and put the cereal in my mouth, although i tried my best to.

good.

i reached my shaking hand towards the spoon infront of me.

don't.

lifting it, spilling half of the cereal and milk off of the spoon, drawing it closer to mouth to help me to take a bite.

do.

placing it in my mouth was hard, trying to get a shaking hand to find my mouth was a struggle.

it.

but i did it, finally.

the taste of the sweet cereal instantly made my craving for food, so much better.

really?!

my jaw began to chew the food in my mouth, breaking it down so that it was easier to swallow.

what about your weight?

"are you sure you're okay?" my mom asked.

i looked up at her, confused as to what was going on.

"you're zoning out a lot." she told me.

i shrugged, pushing the bowl away from me as the voices had made me lose my appetite.

we want what's best for you.

"jess?" she pushed.

i rubbed my head, the pain had faded a little but it hadn't left just yet.

"uh yeah, i'm going to head upstairs and take a nap i think." i told her.

she nodded, although she clearly wasn't certain about whether she should leave me alone.

i left the table before she got the chance to speak, running off upstairs in the hope that this pounding headache would be cured with some sleep.

the second i step through my bedroom door, a sharp pain shot through my head, making me fall to the floor.

but almost as quickly as it had appeared, it subsided, allowing me to have some peace at last.

peace?

i reached my hands beside me in an attempt to push myself up off the floor but all the energy had drained from my body so i didn't have the energy to lift myself off the floor.

instead i decided to get myself comfortable on the floor, hoping that it would be soft enough to sleep on until this headache left.

my head nuzzled itself into the floor, the exhaustion of the lack of sleep hitting me all at once.

don't sleep.

my eyes began to close slowly as i drifted off into dreamland.

what if you die?

but for some reason that thought calmed me, i loved the idea of dying in my sleep and being at peace forever.