jellybean • billie eilish

thirty seven

everyone had breakfast this morning (i didn't) and now jackie's annoyed at me because of it.

"jess? you can't keep ignoring me." she scolded.

i looked back at her, without even realising, i had been zoned out for a while.

"what do you want me to say?" i asked, the angry evident in my voice.

you're giving her the option?

she just stood there staring at me which made me feel even more uncomfortable.

then leave.

"why are you doing this?" she asked.

i frowned at her, genuinely confused as to what she was trying to say.

"doing what?" i asked.

she sighed before turning away from me and in that moment, the only thought i had was about my dad.

"just remember you did this." my dad's voice echoed.

i watched as he turned away from me, the disappointment evident in his eyes. i couldn't help but blame myself, blame myself for not being the daughter he wanted.

"okay that's enough." i heard someone shout but that just made it all worse.

i tried to scream...

"jess stay with me." i heard someone say.

but my head was underwater...

"jess?" they asked.

they called me weak?

"jess, love can you hear me?" a different voice asked.

like i'm not just somebody's daughter.

i felt someone hold my hands but i didn't react, my head kept sucking me back in.

"it might've been a nightmare?" i heard another person say who clearly wasn't convinced.

"jess look at me. you're safe." they told me.

i opened my eyes just a fraction, enough to see that it was maggie who was knelt infront of me but i was too scared to open them any wider.

"but it felt like they were right there." i mumbled under my breath.

"who jess?" maggie asked, her voice was motherly but in some strange way, it made me feel calm.

he held my head under water, something that gave him too much power but made me feel so weak.

"this is what you deserve." he spat viciously.

i didn't even bother to react, there was no need to because i knew that that would only make matters worse.

"as long as i'm here, no one can hurt you." she told me whilst squeezing my hands.

there was still no chance of me opening my eyes but i was thankful for her efforts to try and help me.

my body wanted nothing more than to melt into her arms but i was just too scared, too scared to look absolutely ridiculous.

because you know you will.

a tear fell down my cheek but it was instantly wiped away.

"don't cry beautiful." someone told me.

you're not beautiful, don't even begin to think that you are.