The Marauders - Order of the Phoenix Part Three

CXV: Before -- But Not Long Before

"You dare to stand in front of me..." Greyback growled, "And challenge me... as though I am some child in your school yard?"

Remus always felt small in Greyback's presence. Even later, even after this duel had been won... the sound of the gravelly tones of his voice sent violent shivers through the nerves in Remus's back, sprouted goosebumps on his arms, made the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. He was three years old and cowering in the shadow of the roots of an old oak tree within seconds every time...

But somehow, he managed to stand through it... managed to hold Greyback's eyes, managed to snarl out the words, "The question is do you dare to accept my challenge, Greyback?"

Oh what a terrible fight it had been.

The sparks from the spells were so great and powerful from both of the dueling parties that the room smelled of electricity, as though a livewire had been let loose to wreck havoc on the space, and the residual scent burned Remus's nose for the months following that he would spend in that place, nestled right in there with that awful werewolf scent, and the blood.

How he had fooled anyone was beyond him.

But he had.

One by one, he convinced his friends, just as Dumbledore had told him to.

One by one, he destroyed every good thing.

One by one, he burned every bridge in blazing flames that haunted him at night and made his spirit shatter one little chink at a time.

Sometimes... there were literal flames.

He could still see them... see the fire...

He could still see the bodies.

But somehow even worse than those haunting images, perhaps because they were so personal and raw, there were the letters from Lily and James...

"I know that they are wrong, Remus. I know that something bigger is happening, something that we haven't been told. You would never betray us. I can feel it in my bones, in my heart of hearts. Whatever it is, Remus, it isn't worth all of this." Lily's looping letters, no longer dotted with hearts but still pretty just the same, seemed to glow with the love that she'd written the words with. "Please, come home... Baby Harry is growing so quickly and he needs his Uncle Moony..."

In contrast, James's messy scrawl seemed angry, frustrated. "Mate, this is absolute rubbish. Whatever it is the Old Man has told you to do - please, call it off. Whatever it is you think he has that he's hanging over your head - it isn't worth it. I told you before and I'll tell you again - there are dark things that have happened that make me doubt how much we ought to lean on certain people who we once considered trust worthy, and I question some of the orders that we've been given and the validity of the intentions behind them. I believe now more than ever we must be careful choosing sides..."

But the worst was Sirius.

The cold emptiness that had been occupied by Sirius for so many years. The lack of letters from Sirius, the radio silence, the worry and the desperate wishing that Sirius would reach out...

There was a night - early autumn, the leaves crunched on the pavement as Remus kept his head down, a knit cap pulled over his distinctive curls, his eyes on the pavement as he slid into the fenced-off alley way and snuck up the stairs... The air was as cold outside as in, the fireplace dark, the windows covered... The flat was void of the color and music and joy that it had always been so full of... Sirius Black lay on the couch in the dark, feet crossed on the arm of it, staring at the door, watching as Remus slid the locks, waved his wand and sealed the door... as Remus tugged off the cap and turned to look at him.

"You have a lot of nerve walking in here as though you're wanted," Sirius chuckled lowly, his voice settled in his throat in a strange, dark way, as though he hadn't spoken aloud in a time.

"I had to see you."

"Seen me now, haven't you? Get out."

They had fought - loudly and violently - things had been broken. Things besides their hearts, that is... and Remus knew even then that he had made a mistake.

But it was too late to take it back.

He didn't know then how late it was.

Remus woke with a start on the beach in Costa Rica, the sun rising over the water far off on the horizon, Sirius beside him on the blanket, Sirius's leather jacket still around his shoulders - Sirius's head resting against his chest. His heart slammed so hard it was a wonder that Sirius hadn't woken up from the sound of it beating like a drum under his ear.

"Fuck," Remus gasped. "Only a dream."

But it wasn't only a dream.

No, it was memory.