The Marauders - Order of the Phoenix Part Three

Enough

Lily woke with a start. The moonlight came through the window - bright, less than a week from full, when the boys would be going out on their camping excursion - and illuminated the empty space in the bed beside her. She slid her hands over the mattress. It was still warm with James's body heat; he hadn't been gone long.

She got up and pulled her pyjama robe around her shoulder, tying the waist as she slipped down the stairs, holding the railing and carefully skipping that pesky last step as she rounded her way into the living room.

James was sitting on the coffee table, staring down into the hearth. 

"You're mad if you think that, Prongs," Sirius's voice carried from the fireplace, and Lily paused, hovering on the stairs, carefully staying out of sight. "None of us are going anywhere - especially Lilith. She married you, for Merlin's sake, even I have never done that."

"Sirius..." James's voice was exhausted and tremulous.

"I'm sorry, I'm just trying to make you feel better." Sirius was quiet a moment. Lily could hear the crackling fire and the shifting of wood as smoldering bits of the logs fell around Sirius's face. His voice was solemn then. "I know exactly what you mean when you say that you don't feel like you're enough. I think all of us go through that, you know? The amount of times I've felt like I don't deserve to have you lot as my mates is  - it's uncountable, James, you know? But here's the thing. You don't need to deserve it. It isn't that kind of thing. There's no bar, mate, no expectations."

"There are always expectations," James answered quietly.

"What do you expect of me, then? What criteria am I being judged by?" Sirius asked, "I'd really like to know so I maintain myself properly then, so I don't cack up the procession of our friendship going forward."

James sighed heavily.

"C'mon. Just one little expectation you have of me."

"Sirius..."

"I'll give you my list when you give me yours," Sirius's voice was firm. 

Lily leaned forward slightly and peered 'round the end of the stairs. The moonlight poured through the large windows in the living room, turning all the room shades of blue, lavender in the places where the warm glow of the fire in the hearth touched. And there was James - a dark indigo silhouette, head hanging down, hair falling over his forehead... James ran his hand through his hair. 

"What if -" James's voice broke and he paused, his hands sliding over his face now, steepleing over his nose. He breathed deeply for a moment, rebalancing his thoughts, then said, "What if - I can't - give Lily what she wants? What if I'm not - enough?"

There was a long pause. 

Lily was shaking, tears in her eyes. She felt like her heart had been pulled out of her chest, hearing James say those words. Her hands clutched the bannister for support.

"Why don't you ask her that yourself?" Sirius asked. "She's on the stairs."

James turned 'round and though she pulled back hurriedly, he'd spotted her. James stood up and walked over to the stairs. Sirius stayed in the fireplace just long enough to see that she hadn't run off up stairs and that Lily came down the last two steps to wrap her arms around James and then he drew back into the flat in East London, leaving the Potters alone.

James and Lily stood at the foot of the stairs, hugging and holding onto one another, silent tears falling over both their faces.

"What if I can't ever give you babies, Evans?" James whispered.

"You will."

"You heard the doctor you heard him say I'm inadequate, that I can't --"

"James, doctors can be wrong."