It Will All Work Out (Intersex gxg)

Chapter 14

I don't know how long I stood in the pool, staring at the back of the house and hoping that Shay would come back. The tears were still running down my face, splashing into the pool with little ripples, and I kept sniffling, hoping that somehow this could be fixed, no matter how bad it seemed. But after a while, I started to get a little cold, and I was sure my toes were like prunes, so I got out. There were no towels outside, so I just turned off the music on my phone, bundled up my clothes and shoes, and walked slowly back to the wall. What else could I do? Part of me wanted to go pound on the door and make Shay talk to me, but that seemed like a bad idea that would make me seem even crazier than I felt right now.

So, going home was the choice.

I groaned as I heard a man's grunting along with my mother's slurred moans of pleasure from her room as I went up the stairs to my room, and I closed and locked my door to try and reduce the sounds. The last thing I needed to hear right now was my mom going at it with some random guy. I turned my music on, but to a louder playlist, and turned it up until their voices were finally drowned out, then collapsed in my bed and cried.

I lay there for maybe half an hour before I got up, having made my bed wet from both the damp swimsuit and my own tears, then took a hot shower, sitting on the floor while water scalded my skin. What did I do wrong? Did I push her into a kiss that she hadn't wanted? Was it just that she gave in to the moment when she didn't want to? But that kiss... that kiss had been magical, and she was right there with me in initiating it. When I dreamed about kissing Shay, that was what I'd imagined it would be like, but even better.

Until it wasn't.

By the time I was done with the shower, my sadness had turned to anger. The more I thought about everything, the more I was certain that I hadn't done anything wrong. She had been the one that leaned in and kissed me and had done so almost as soon as she got into the pool. She was the one who had been calling me princess and leaving her hands on me when she touched me. Everything she'd done had made me think she was feeling the same things that I was, and then she turned it all on its head.

If I thought she'd answer her phone, I'd call and yell at her, but I didn't feel like sending messages that would go unread. I knew she only had it for the weekend anyway, and her father told her he'd take it away when they got back, so she probably wouldn't even use it. Instead, I changed into pajamas and got into bed before opening my email app. I held my breath as I looked through my inbox, both hoping and dreading that a message might be there from Shay, but there was nothing. I still had no explanation at all. Was she really planning on acting like that and then abandoning me with no explanation at all?

Evidently, she was.

A fresh wave of hurt washed over me as I curled up in a ball next to the wall on my bed. The anger had burned away the sadness, but with nothing to focus it on, that anger dissipated too, and now I was just empty. I'd thought I had so much to look forward to with Shay, and now it seemed like it was all gone. How was I going to go to work now knowing that I'd probably see her, even if only for a second, every time I rode past her repair shop? Would I still want to buy the dress because she liked me in it? How could I ever go back to Clementine's for ice cream? What would happen at school?

I hated it. I hated these feelings. I fell into a listless slumber some time after my mother and whoever she was with were done too, and I awoke the next morning with a renewed sense of purpose. Shay didn't want to be with me? Fine. That was her prerogative. My life still needed to go on, and I needed to get my ass out of here. Four years of high school and then four more of college and then I could do whatever I wanted and leave it all behind. If my mom wanted to get clean and stay with me, then fine, but right now I had Gloria and Kate who seemed like they'd support me, and I could lean on them for life lessons and advice until my mom was able to.