Fairy Tail: Swallow the Fire

30. Breathe

I could hear my heartbeat pound and pound inside my ears. Shaky hands became the only thing keeping me up, my only support being their uneasy grip on the sink. My legs buckled. I tried to breathe. I couldn't breathe. The bathroom was too small. There wasn't air to breathe.

The feeling in my fingers vanished. The edges of my vision began to warp as my sight became a distorted mess. Without warning bile rushed up my throat and forced me to vomit into the sink. I couldn't stop, and it made it harder to breathe as every inhale of air was blocked by an exhale of bile.

I needed air.

I needed to get out of the bathroom.

Whatever feeling I had in my legs vanished as I tried to take a step towards the door, causing me to crash my head into the wall. When I looked up everything around had begun to grow and advance, causing the small bathroom to feel more cramped and tighter as the agonizing seconds felt like minutes.

I felt something grab me and hold me to it. I didn't know what it was. I was scared. I was scared and grabbed onto it without a second thought. I hoped it could do something, anything, to stop whatever was going on. My heart felt like it was going to burst. The drumming in my head just got louder and louder.

Each second felt like someone was pushing me towards death before pulling me back like my body had been reduced to a playtoy for a monster beyond my understanding.

I felt weak. I felt like a child. I felt weaker than a child.

The thing that was holding me pulled it tighter to it, wrapping me in its presence and shrouding me from the light in the bathroom. It smelled familiar. It felt familiar. It sounded familiar. Its hand kept rubbing my back in a soothing motion.

Slowly my breathing began to calm down. Fresh air began to enter my lungs and with it the scent of lavender. What felt like an hour passed with Totomaru just hugging me close to him while we sat on the bathroom floor. And I felt safe.

It reminded me of how William used to hug me to sleep every night back at the R-System. The memories ran through my head, each and every detail perfect and clear, and I couldn't help but break down again. My tears and snot stained Totomaru's shirt as my grip on him tightened, his own arms holding me to him harder as if to banish any idea of him leaving me at that moment.

Memories I had tried to suppress came back again and with them the pain and fear, the weakness and helplessness that I had in those moments.

When my crying had stopped, Totomaru asked me a loaded question. "What happened back in that fight?"

"I...umm...I don't know where to begin..."

"Just...tell me what you remember then. Start at the beginning."

Nodding my head I took a deep breath before starting, "Memories are a funny thing, aren't they?"

And explained everything. From the childhood I experienced at Rosemary, to the R-System, the slave uprising, Jellal's possession, meeting the captain, and how my mother started the destruction of Himura.

I didn't leave a single detail out of place. Everything I remembered, I told to him. And he just sat there, holding me while we sat on the floor and I unloaded every worry and fear I had built up inside. I hadn't told anyone anything about what had happened to me. Not the Captain, not Mia, not Akihiko, not Taiyo. And I told Totomaru everything without stopping.

"And so, when she mentioned Erza...it was like someone shoved a knife in between my ribs. I could either pull it out and bleed to death or leave it in the hopes I could find a doctor..."

"Do you want to see her?"

"No. What if I go to their guild hall and it ends up being a different girl named Erza? What if it's the same person but she changed too much to be called the same person? What if she doesn't care about everyone at the Tower, or has already told the Council and something happened and now everyone there ended up suffering more because of it? What if-?"

"Enough." Totomaru hit me in the back of my head to knock me out of my rambling. "Worrying about what-ifs isn't going to do anything other than give you another panic attack, okay?"

"I just...don't know what to do..."

"Well, you planned to save them yourself, right? Is that still a goal?"

"That's why I convinced Jose to give me access to his magic library..."

"That's a good starting point, but what about afterwards? Or even before that. Strength can only get you so far. You'll need a plan, and some friends, you'll need to think about what to do afterwards."

"What do you mean...?"

"When I signed up for a job in the Himura guard I initially only did it for the money and the training. But after a while, I started to take more pride in the knowledge that I was able to help people even if they didn't know or care that I did. I took pride in knowing that I was someone capable of helping people. Maybe you should try to do the same thing? Don't just aim to be someone strong enough to protect them and help them, but also someone resourceful and capable of helping them too."

"Maybe..."

"Just think about what you plan to do, alright?" He helped me up before making his way out of the bathroom. "I'll go get us something to eat while you clean off. There isn't any need to rush this, okay?"

"Thank you again, Totomaru...If there's anything I can do to say thank you just-"

"Hey. None of that," he raised his hand and started patting me on the head with a bright smile on his face, "Helping our younger siblings is just what big brothers do."

.

.

.