Chaos Magic (Stiles Stilinski)

Losing My Mind

TW: mentions of suicide

I never went back home, well, Stiles' house.

I went back to my house.

When I walked through the front door, I saw no one was home, just like I had thought. Liam was still at the hospital; his Stepdad—my Stepdad—was working, and so was my Mom. Everybody was still at the hospital.

Everybody but me and maybe Stiles.

On my whole walk home from the hospital, I kept replaying that fight in my head. Was it even a fight? I mean, it felt like a fight, but both of us had separate pieces of information.

I wanted to go to Stiles and hug him, apologize, kiss him, and apologize again. I wanted him to hold me while I cried and tell me everything would be okay and we'd find a solution together. I needed his reassurance.

Instead, like the stubborn ass I was, I stayed sitting on my bed. I cried alone for the first time in a long time. For the first time in a long time, I was alone with my thoughts, and that's never good. Especially right now.

I think I am having my mid-life crisis.

I had no idea who I was anymore.

The Taylor I am right now was not the same Taylor when the Darach was around sacrificing everybody. The Taylor I am right now would not recognize the Taylor I was when Scott was bitten, but the Taylor I am now would find comfort in her. She knew her pain; I still felt her pain. It was twisting a knife in my back, and it hurt so much, but I didn't want it to stop.

I wished I could go back and give my old self a big hug, hold her close, and not say a word, tell her I loved her. Tell her to get her ass up and stand up for herself. I wanted to tell her to go to Sheriff Stilinski after Tate attacked her and tell him everything; give descriptions so they could've been arrested so I wouldn't be stuck with death inside of me, rotting in my gut--my soul.

I was finally coming to terms with my magic. Eventually, I appreciated what I had and how powerful I could be with it, but the Taylor I was tonight? The Taylor that attacked the girl at Stiles' house? I didn't recognize her. The Taylor sitting here in her new bed, her new room scattered with boxes from her old house, different paint swatches taped to the wall. I recognized her and found comfort in her.

But I think I'm losing my mind.

When Kate stepped out on the roof tonight, I wasn't even thinking anymore as I threw my power at her. I wanted her dead, and I wasn't afraid to kill her in front of Argent--right in front of Stiles.

I was going to kill her.

I felt her blood on my hands, her heart beating against my skin, and her pain in the back of my throat. I felt it all; it consumed me.

I still heard the sound of that girl's achilles tearing, the pressure of her bones snapping in my hand. It filled me with a power that I'd never felt before. A wave of anger that I've never experienced.

I've been angry before, but I had never felt like that. My magic buzzed in my hands as I fought with Stiles in the hallway. If I hadn't walked away from him when I had, I would've hurt him. I know I would've.

Ever since our trip to Mexico, I haven't felt right. At first, it was an uncomfortable scratch under my skin I couldn't get to, but now, after all the threats, the accusations, being attacked time and time again, it was a bullet to the heart.

It ripped my skin open every morning until I bled out at night.

I couldn't admit this, not out loud or to Scott or Stiles.