Unrequited? Air at Sea

58. Rage!

"Fuck!" I say aloud.

My heart aches in my chest as I think about Aries face when AmberLynn slapped him.

I never wanted to hurt a woman before- it's jarring. But in that moment I wanted to strangle her.

I've never seen Arie so small and defeated as he was when he fell to his knees and vomited.

I ache more as I imagine everything he must have felt in that moment.

I hate to admit just how much I understood why he vomited so violently.

The extreme disgust and revulsion you feel when someone forces sexual acts against you.

It's like a poison inside. You want to scratch at your skin, barf, and scream until your vocal chords burst. How helpless you feel realizing the one and only body you'll ever have was defiled that way.

It's like a horrid, putrid stain on your flesh you can never rid yourself of no matter how much you wash.

We're the same...Arie and I.

I feel disgusted with myself at the thought.

I hate that something so horrible happened to him but.....a very tiny piece of me is comforted in knowing that we're alike.

Arie knows.... Arie should never have known...but he does.

I'm not all alone....I hate myself for the thought.

My anxiety starts to build as my levels of self loathing rise.

I'm suddenly aware how clammy I feel from sweat.

I'm dirty, I think to myself as I stand and make my way back.

I stand in my bathroom naked as I look through all the products Arie left on my counter.

Aroma Therapy Eucalyptus Mint shower tablets, Lavender and Rose body washes.

Are you supposed to mix this stuff?

I feel uncomfortable in my skin to the point of scratching.

Fuck it, I'll try them all.

I turn the shower on and adjust the water to almost boiling before tossing a shower tablet in.

Within a moment the steam in the shower smells of Eucalyptus and mint. It's incredibly soothing.

For a while I just stand there enjoying the hot water and calming steam before washing with the lavender body wash.

I was hesitant about mixing scents but the scent of Eucalyptus is gradually taken over completely by the lavender.

My whole body relaxes and the prickly feeling beneath my skin stops.

I know that feeling is caused by anxiety but the Aroma therapy relieves it.

I change my mind about using the other body wash but use the rose oil shampoo and conditioner cause I really like the smell.

I contemplate if that was the longest shower I ever had as I turn off the water and step out.

I thought maybe the scents would get too strong but it definitely was the best shower I ever had.

After drying off I'm tempted to just stay naked my skin feels so soft.

I never thought to try women's bath and body products but I don't think I could go back to Old Spice. I don't know what's in this stuff but I like it...a lot.

I skip the underwear and pull on a pair of shorts and nothing else before leaving my bedroom to check on Arie.

I knock but he doesn't answer.