No Love Involved (COMPLETED)

Hope

Jayson.

Hindi ako mapakali sa kinuupuan ko. My mind is clouded with guilt, regrets, and fear.

Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko. The moment the doctor told me that Zeph is pregnant with my child, my heart jumped in joy but it immediately disappeared as I realized Zeph's situation at the moment.

She got into an accident. Her life is at risk and I couldn't blame it entirely to Steph dahil alam kong kung hindi dahil sa akin ay wala siya sa sitwasyon ngayon.

I closed my eyes. I choked a sob. Ang bigat ng didbdib ko dahil alam kong sa akin nagsimula ang lahat. If I wasn't stupid to record what we did in my office ay walang pang-ba-blackmail si Steph sa akin. If only I kept the video well or perhaps erased it completely then Steph won't have any reasons to hold me on my neck.

And God! Because of my fear, because I wanted to protect Zeph ay hindi ako nagdalawang-isip na saktan siya para siya na ang lumayo sa akin. But God knows how much I want to punch or hurt myself every time she shed a tear.

Her every tear is my every death and fvck it because I can't blame any other people but myself and myself alone.

And now, I'm scared. I'm scared that I might completely lose her now and I don't know what my life will be if I lose her or our unborn child. I wanted badly to have a child to her because I can immediately offer her marriage if that happens.

I wanted so bad to end that fucking arrangement so I can offer a new one. If I get her pregnant then that arrangement will be done and I can eventually ask her hand for a lifetime arrangement, for a lifetime commitment.

But then, this shit happened. Hindi ko maiwasan isipin na sana ako na lang ang nasa sitwasyon niya. Sana ako na lang ang naaksidente and if only I can buy for her life and for our child, then I wouldn't care if I lose all of my money.

Yumuko ako at hinayaan kong tumulo ang aking mga luha.

"Your hand is bleeding." Nag-angat ako ng tingin at lalo akong napaiyak ng makita ko ang aking kambal kasama ang aking Ina.

"M-mom..." Usal ako at hinayaan ko na lang ang sarili kong umiyak sa bisig niya. I cried like a baby and I can't remember when was the last time that I cried like this, that I got scared like this.

"Hush, now. She'll be fine. They will be fine, anak." She consoled me. Cecilia went to Mr. and Mrs. Torres and introduced herself.

Maya-maya pa ay lumapit na sila sa amin at ipinakilala na ni Ces ang mommy namin. I can't do the introduction since I am still not well. Basta narinig ko na lang na nagkakilalnlan sila at maya-maya pa ay nagpaalam sa akin si mommy na pupunta daw sila ng chapel ni Mrs. Torres.

Nang maglaon ay narinig kong nagtawag si Ces ng nurse para gamutin ako. Sinabi niyang kailangan kong sumama sa nurse pero umiling lang ako. Ayokong umalis dito sa tapat ng operating room. Ilang oras na mula ng magsimula ang surgery at kanina pa rin ako halos mamatay sa kaba.

"Dito lang ako, Ces." Sabi ko ng hindi inaalis ang tingin sa pinto ng OR.

I heard her sigh saka ulit umalis. Maya-maya ay naramdaman ko ang pagtabi sa akin sa upuan ni Mr. Torres.

"Kailangan mong ipagamot iyan." Malumanay na sabi ni Mr. Torres. Umiling ako.

"Ayoko pong umalis dito." Tipid kong sagot.

I heard him sighed like Ces bago siya umayos ng upo. After few minutes ay tumikhim ito kaya hindi ko napigilan ang lumingon sa kanya.

"When Zeph was young..." Paninimula niya. He was smiling but guilt, fear, and pain are still visible on his eyes.

"When she was young, nakitaan ko na siya ng pagiging independent, pagiging matapang sa lahat ng bahay. She flies in the wind without fear at kahit na higpitan siya ng mommy niya ay wala siyang pakialam." He chuckled a bit before speaking again.

"Lagi niya sinasabi sa akin, "Dad, someday I will create my own name. I won't just be under your shadow and someday Mommy's going to be proud of me."" he stopped speaking as he wiped the tears on his cheeks. "S-sabi ko noon sa kanya, "Anak, I believe in you and Mommy has always been proud of you. Ang gusto ko lang ay huwag mo akong iiwan. Huwag mong iiwan si daddy." Kapag sinasabi ko iyon ay talagang makikipag-argumento siya sa akin but at the end of the day she would say sorry and would promise that she won't leave me...

...but then, sinaktan ko siya." Yumuko siya at bahagyang humagulgol. My heart is constricting in pain as I imagine how hurt Zeph was during those times. She must have loved Miguel so much and that thought alone makes me feel jealous. But I can't change that anymore. Now, I realized that Miguel is in the past and he's a big part in Zeph's life and I don't have to right to change that.

"When she left us, I was hurt." Paninimula niyang muli. "But then, I had to let her go dahil alam kong nasaktan ko siya and in my heart, I was hoping that she will find the right man for her. Pero hindi ganoon ang nangyari. She was very devastated that she didn't believe in love anymore and I never thought that she would come up with the idea of asking you to get her pregnant."

"I love you daughter, Mr. Torres." I said it out loud. I don't know why I said it. Perhaps, I am afraid that he would judge Zeph at hindi ko hahayaan na mangyari iyon.

But then, I saw him smiled at me. Even more, I felt a warm touch in my heart when he tap my shoulder. "I know that. I can see in your eyes how much you love her and that fear in your eyes, hindi lang iyan para sa anak niyo kundi para iyon mismo sa kanya, hindi ba?"

Nagababa ako ng tingin. "Yes. I am afraid, Sir. Natatakot akong hindi ko na siya makita that I won't hear her voice anymore. N-natatakot po ako. S-sobra."

"We all do. I am his father at sobrang kaba ang nararamdaman ko ngayon. But then, always remember that she's a strong woman. She is brave. Hindi siya bibitaw." He said at kahit kaunti ay nakaramdam ako ng pag-asa. Hearing from her own father, alam kong makakaligtas sila ng anak namin.

"I will believe that, Sir. I will." I said firmly.

"You can start calling me Tito Ronnie (I can't remember kung may pangalan na siya sa mga naunang chaps. Wala ko time magbasa ulit, hahaha). Or perhaps, Dad?"

Napaawang ang aking bibig at hindi ako makapniwalang naririnig ko ito sa kanya. Muli ko siyang tinignan dahil baka nananaginip lang ako o baka nag-iilusyon lang. Pero nakanigiting mukha ang ibinigay niya sa akin.

"A-are you sure po?" Nag-aalangan kong tanong.

Humalakhak ito at marahang tinapik ang aking balikat. "After all of these things, do your best to win the heart of my daughter at kapag nangyari iyon, Daddy Ronnie na ang itawag mo sakin. For now, tito muna."

Ngumiti ako at alam kong ngayon ay punung-puno ng kagalakan ang puso ko dahil ang ama ng nag-iisang babaeng mahal ko ay tanggap ako para sa anak niya.

"Gagawin ko po ang lahat. Pangako iyan." He smiled to me.

Nagpatuloy ito sa pagkwekwento tungkol kay Zeph noong bata pa siya at sa totoo lang ay kahit paano ay nabawasan ang kaba na nararamdaman ko. Lumipas ang sandali ay sabay kaming napatayo ng magbukas ang pinto ng OR at lumabas doon ang doctor.

"The operation is successful at maayos din ang bata." Iyon lang ang narinig ko at wala na akong naintindihan sa mga sinabi ng doctor.

Basta natagpuan ko na lang ang sarili ko sa chapel ng hospital yakap-yakap si Mommy at Mommy ni Zeph and we were crying. We were crying not for a loss but for Zeph and our child.

New hope has begun and this time I won't be an asshole anymore. Hinding hindi ko sasayangin ang panibagong pag-asang ito.