Someday Soon (wlw)

s3 e1

my heart was thumping, thumping out my chest as though it was gonna explode. my heart was hurting and i hadn't stopped crying since i left the park.

i hadn't gone back home yet because i know if i did, id have to explain these tears and i didn't want that. at least not right now.

fuck, it hurts.

i just didn't understand, what was the problem? we were doing so well.

"maybe i do love her.." i mumbled softly,

i chuckled softly, turning my car engine over, immediately pulling off.

"don't cry Alexandra, don't cry, you need to see," a few tears rolled down my face as my lips begin to quiver. "fuck."

driving at night always did make me feel better, though it was colder, it was more soothing.

i floored it, feeling the tears roll down my face. relaxing my head, i shut my eyes for a second, taking in the moment.

i had no idea where i was driving to but i sure as hell didn't want to be home-as i said before.

maybe i could visit my mom, yeah that'll help.

i did say id visit her on Christmas, just didn't expect it to be like this.

within seconds, i pulled up to the graveyard, parking as close as could be before exiting my car.

i sigh, "lonely Christmas this is."

approaching her stone, i smiled to myself as i watched the snow cover her stone so heavenly.

beautiful.

"hi mom," my voice was cold, but so was i. "i uh didn't expect to be visiting you like this...i miss you."

i ran my finger over her engraved name, feeling that coldness, "i miss you so much, every day, every second."

"Christmas is going ... okay, it isn't the best but no holiday has been the best but we tried, mom, we tried." i tucked my bottom lip, watching the snow cover her stone. "i love you so much, mama."

i sigh, running my hands through my hair, "i graduate soon and just as i am here now, i will be here then."

running my fingers over her name, "see you mom, see you soon."

a tear rolled down my face and immediately i shut my eyes, taking in the moment before walking away.

"what time is it?" i asked myself. taking a look at the time, it read 1:50. "2:00? shit."

turning over my engine, i pulled quickly pulled off.

my mind was wondering, i had a million things running through it. Alyssa coming in second place of it all. i was wondering about Ava, was she okay? what could she be doing right now? probably worrying about me.

i sigh, feeling the tears swell up in my eyes again, "fuck, no Alexandra no! you cannot cry, you cannot."

my phone began to ring, vibrating against my thigh. pulling out my phone, i read Ava's name. she was calling, "fuck," i whispered, feeling the phone slip between my fingers.

my heart began thumping inside of my chest irregularly, speeding, "calm down, calm down, calm down."

"yes, calm down baby girl," i heard suddenly. "you recognize my voice, don't you?"

mo-no, no, no, you're hallucinating, you're hallucinating, Alex, you're hallucinating."

i hit the steering wheel aggressively, screaming loudly, "mom, mom."