Someday Soon (wlw)

s2 e20

"remember what i told you?"

"hospital?"

she nods, "yes, just go with the flow."

"are you telling me you're here for me your way of asking if you could tag along?"

"that's if you're asking," she lifts her brow, taking a sip from her coffee.

"you can tag along, Miss Adam's," i eye her, sliding out of the chair.

•••

"damn, when you said a lot, you meant a lot," Alyssa says, stepping into my moms office. "you'll be at this all day."

i shake my head, "not really, it's simple really. if it isn't meant to be filed, trash it. half of this is potentially trash."

i scan the room, sighing to myself before going behind her desk, sliding down into her chair. cold, as last time. i slid my hands over the armrests, feeling the lovely texture of them both.

relaxing into the chair, i shut my eyes as i took a deep breath in, exhaling.

"Alex?" Alyssa spoke.

"hm?"

"how do you do it?"

i opened my eyes, pulling my attention down to her, "do what, Alyssa?"

"do this? get up every day when it hurts and aches to the core but push forward?"

i sigh, rubbing my hands over my face, "my mom, my dad, Ava, and even Allen. it takes a lot out of me to even get out of bed but i do it, not for myself but for them. for the sake of one day, my dad won't be here and ill have to take the weight. obviously, i won't carry it all the time but ill have to take that role. yeah i have Ava but Ava has her own life and when she's not here, it's me and my thoughts. every day, every second, i get up and it hurts but it's a challenge and it's the challenge at hand. i know my mom is watching me-us-i know she's proud, which is the main reason i get up and go."

she sat in silence, taking in every word i said as though it was relatable. "you're really strong, i hope you keep going, i really do. im always here, and i know i know, these damn feelings may get in the way at times but feelings or not, ill never leave you hanging."

i smile, "i appreciate that, Alyssa."

"anytime, anytime," she smiles, placing her hand on top of mine, giving it a firm squeeze.

"now, let's get to work, shall we? hand me a stack of papers?"

"small or big?"

"it doesn't matter," i shrug, chuckle. "ill be here a while but i move fast."

she nods, slapping a thick pack of paperwork in front of me. time for work. i scanned the paperwork, noticing that it needed to be filed. all? did someone else organize this? no. maybe i did but don't remember. shit.

i push it aside, pulling another stack in front of me, quickly going through it, "trash, trash, trash, tr-file, file, file," i pause, seeing a note fall in front of me. it was a-handwritten note? i think.

taking the paper from the pile, i pushed the paperwork aside, placing the note aside from me.

"Alyssa, can you uh file those for me, please?" i glance over at her quickly, shifting my eyes back down onto the note. i felt her eyes burning holes in my face. dammit, stop staring, Alyssa.

"yes, are you okay? you seem off."

i shake my head, "im fine, hand me another stack of papers?"

i quickly shoved the note into my purse, desperately trying to push out that thoughts. i wanted to know, i wanted to know what the note said. it looks like moms handwriting, but what was it?

what was it about? who was it about? mom? another worker? family?

fuck, fuck, fuck.

i ran my fingers through my hair, sighing, "Alyssa, do you have a rubber?"

"a-a what?" she stared at me in pure confusion.

"a rubber," i repeated, staring at her with my head slightly tilted.

"why would i need a rubber, Alex? well have, why would i have a rubber, Alex?"

"your hair?" i cock my brow.

"oh-ohhh," she chuckles, digging through her purse, pulling out a hair tie. "you had me thinking you were talking about a damn condom. you had me stunned for a hot minute."

i chuckle, pulling my hair up into a bun, "i see, i see. uh, i need one second, excuse me."

i quickly grabbed my purse, excusing myself, making my way over into my dad's office. i don't know if it's a good or bad thing that mom and dad's office are so damn close by.

i went off behind his desk, sliding into his chair as i pulled the note from my purse. i took a breath, shutting my eyes, trying to pulling myself together before reading.

opening my eyes, i took one more breath, "okay, let's read this."

"Dear Matt,

i don't know how to start this off, i don't even know if you'll ever read this, ever. maybe you will or maybe you won't but it needs to be said. you know i love you, i love you with every ounce of light in me. you've loved me so dearly and i cannot-hell, no, i do not know how i will ever thank you for that. i know i was never the best to you and i hurt you along the way and i apologize, in every way, shape, and form. i always told you that you deserved better and still, i believe that you do. but i appreciate the days you stopped life and loved me fully. i appreciate the days where i couldn't pull myself out of bed but you, you helped me. you took the time out of your days and nights to help me. our small walks in the park, our small dinners, our small move nights. i appreciate it all.

i know this is going to be everywhere and i apologize for that but most importantly, i appreciate you giving life to Alexandra,"

"mom," i whispered to myself, feeling the tears roll down my cheek. "fuck," i bit down onto my bottom lip, placing my head down onto the desk. "get it together, Alex. come on, come on."

"i know we gave her the best we could and i wasn't always the best, health-wise, physically and mentally, but you? you helped me. you helped me get by it and i cannot tell you how much it meant to me. Alexandra is our light, she kept me alive and you, you knew that. you seen me get better, you seen my health increase, in a good way. Alexandra was everything to me and i love her deeply, i hope she knows that. i hope she knows that she changed me for the better, i love her, Matt.

i uh, i think im gonna end this here but before i go, i want you both to read this together, i love you both. i love you so much Matt and i love you with my dying heart, Alexandra. you two changed me for the better and i can never truly thank either of you so i hope you two read this and grasps an understanding. i love you two so much."

Sincerely, Josie.

i sat in silence, taking in every word i read. the tears were just flowing at this point and i couldn't stop them. hell, i didn't know want.

"mom," i mumble softly, feeling my heart sink deep within my chest. "i love you so much more, mom."