Someday Soon (wlw)

s2 e10

"Rachel why are you doing this?" i eyed her. "you're killing yourself! for you to say i don't care when you know what you did to me. especially after your sisters death, especially that!"

"don't talk to me about that!" she shouts while pointing her fingers "don't talk to me about my damn sisters death!"

"and why not? why the hell not? you seemed like you hid yourself away after her death."

"i did," she confessed. "i did! i fucking did and no one was here!"

"because of your toxic ways! you're so toxic and you sit and manipulate those around you and we're only trying to help."

"so why help me now?"

"because it takes time," i sigh. "it takes time and true patience with people. you coming out of your toxic ways is your willpower."

"Alex, you don't understand.."

"so help me understand," i fold my arms as i lean off onto the wall. "help me understand why you'd rather suffer than get out of your toxic ways and get help?"

"i,i,i," she stuttered. it seemed as though she held it on that tip of her tongue but she couldn't voice it. "i just don't know."

"you don't know what, Rachel?"

"i don't know Alex, i just don't know," she sighs. "it's been so hard, really hard." her voice begins to break and something in me breaks as well at the tone.

"Rachel," i sigh. "you're not doing this alone and you never were. you seen your sister die and got super defensive about it. i understand that you're hurting but you're never alone and you need to stop fighting alone."

"all these years, all these years i was here by myself. then Allen came along and yeah he made it better, but just slightly," she sniffs. i couldn't help but break to the sound of her voice. "slightly, your parents adopted him and just the thought of him made me think of Josie."

"Rachel i understand," i sighed softly.

"no you don't!" she shouts.

"yes i do! it was my damn mom! no one, not fucking one asked if my dad and i were okay. just his side of the family. i understand you all are in pain too but what about us?!"

my voice now rang with every ounce of sadness i tried to hide. it held the pain, the depression, the anxiety.

"Alex .. i," she sighed hopelessly as she ran her hands over her face. "we all meant well, it just hurt us so badly."

"i know that," i eyed her coldly. "but not one of you all asked, called, emailed, or even reached out. we had to go through the pictures, the emails, the bedrooms, the lonely holidays, all alone."

"you know you two are always welcomed here," she says as she pulls her attention up to me. "we never meant it like that."

"it's not how you meant it, it's how you went about it. you guys made it all about you all and never reached out. we faced the pain every fucking day a lot worse than you all. i had to go through her paperwork in her office almost a week ago...that shit hurt me so badly."

"Alex."

"shut up and listen, Rachel," i say as a tear rolled down my cheek. "your pain and feelings are valid but it was the thought. all those years and you wanna sit and play the victim role as if we did something. as if we didn't have the world on our shoulders as well. as if we left you in the dark, if anything, you left us. when we need you the most and these shit hurt."

she sighed hopelessly as she sat and took in every word i said. every word held my pure emotions, i wouldn't say i was lashing out because that was the last thing i wanted to do.

Rachel still needed help.

"and then you sit and you smoke and drink your life away," i sigh as more tears surface. "as if losing you would be any easier for me-us-as losing mom was for us."

"it took us fucking years to recover from that and if im being honest, it sure as hell isn't easy still. it hurts for me to wake up in the morning. it hurts to go and see her, i don't even remember when i last seen her, Rachel"

"Alex," she says in a whisper.

"yes Rachel?"

"im so sorry," she stares me down as the tears begin to swell up in her eyes. "i swear we didn't mean to leave you two like that. it just hit us so hard and we just..got distant."

i chuckle, "you're kinda missing my point, kinda but i understand, it's okay. you need to get help, Allen cannot be with a parent like you. and ill dammed if he gets put back in the system or with his mother."

"yeah, she's trying and doing everything in her power to get him back."

"that's not gonna happen, at least not on my watch. the system is so messed up, he's not going anywhere."

"is he okay?"

"he's well," i shrug. "he's going to school now."

she sighs, feeling tense about my word choice. "im sorry about that."

"i would say it isn't your fault but it is but im won't blaming you for how you decided to cope," i eyed her. "it takes time but sometimes we have only have seconds. choose wisely, Rachel."

"im trying," she whispered.

"i understand but im not asking you to try harder, im asking you to keep going."

"how?"

"Josie," i whispered.

"huh?"

"for Josie, for my mother, your sister," i sigh. "keep going because that's what she'd want. she wouldn't want you throwing your life away like this."

she chuckles, "how do you know what Josie would want?"

"you sound very cocky and you must forget that the woman is my mother. throw the cigarettes and whiskey bottles away, Rachel."

"can i start tomorrow?"

"no," i say firmly. "you can start by dropping that procrastination shit."

"not like you don't procrastinate."

i chuckle, "of course, everyone does, everyone has their days but this? drop it."